TS3 Chapter 16

 Chapter 16

Guntram de Lisle's diary

January 12^th, 2016 

Zurich 

I've known this lot for almost fifteen years and I still don't get it. When will I learn that they're the sneakiest creatures to crawl upon this earth? Never. Guntram is too stupid to see through their lies. 

I should have suspected it since two nights ago when they were so nice to Altair and me. I was released midday from the Cleveland Institute and Michael “ordered” Fefo to take me in one of those luxury city tours. I was a bit shocked because all of them hate tourism but the idea of being trapped in a suite with a sour Ferdinand, a cranky Ratko and a funny Michael for the whole afternoon, made up my mind. I went away. 

We returned at dinnertime and I must say Abu Dhabi is the largest and most opulent city I've ever been to. The size of the skyscrapers, marinas, malls and everything seems to be big -bordering on huge- around here. If something is golden, it's probably gold. 

They were so nice during dinner and when Altair arrived -unannounced- the three of them were civil and posed no objections to me going out with Altair, without any kind of security. Probably they were thinking something like “let Guntram have a last fuck” or something like that. Yeah, a fuck a week after a heart transplant.  

Altair drove us for about an hour or so into the desert at sunset. The dunes here are unlike anything else I've ever seen, some of them up to 200 or 300 meters high. Driving through no paths is a bit scary but he knew what he was doing. He finally “parked” in the middle of nowhere and it was pretty amazing to feel that silky sand under my feet. The temperature wasn't hot and there was a nice cold breeze. 

While I was looking at the dying sun, Altair was busy getting things out of the Range Rover. He set up a large blanket and pillows and had something like a big picnic basket. It made me smile because the last time I ate from a picnic basket I was around seven and it was a school trip and we all got lukewarm sandwiches for lunch. 

“It's a pity you already ate.” 

“Germans. They dine at seven or die.” I smiled. “But I'm going tomorrow to London.” 

“Then this your last night here. You can't miss this.” 

“Will you not be missed?” I sat next to him and watched him get some dishes, cutlery, glasses and plastic containers from one of the baskets. 

“My staff is well aware that I'm social disaster. They're used to see me disappearing into the desert for days but I'm returning tomorrow morning, in time for you to take your plane.” 

“Is it not a plan to make me lose it?” I kissed him on the lips before he could protest. “I know it isn't. Dirty tricks are not your style.” 

“No, I push you around with tacky watches,” he joked and that was a positive surprise. He can laugh at himself. He always looks so stiff and princely that makes me feel like a boor. 

“There's something you have to see before you go.” He told me when we broke the kiss. I wanted to ask but he said. “Wait and see.” 

We ate in silence and darkness surrounded us. It became chilly and Altair went to the car for a blanket. We laid down over the pillows, sharing the blanket and pillows, looking at each other into our eyes. 

It was amazing to get lost into his eyes. They told me so many things about him, much more than what I could learn by talking. He stroke my cheek many times and kissed me silently till our eyes broke contact and I looked up the sky. 

For the first time in my life I saw the milky way. The stars seemed to be falling upon us and despite it was night, the sky had a dark blue shade, brought up by the stars. My head spun at so much beauty that I was speechless as my eyes couldn't take in so much beauty. 

Altair somehow knew what I was experiencing and let me alone. 

We didn't speak much. We only looked at the moving stars and their colors. 

“I love you,” I said to him and he kissed me. 

“You have to promise me that in seven years time, we will do the same and you will tell me the same words. And we will repeat it in forty years time.” Altair told me and I could only nod. 

Time passed and I finally gathered my guts to ask what has been torturing me for weeks. “Will this work?” 

“It does when we forget about the world,” he told me. 

It was a magical night for me. More romantic than when I married Konrad or when I met him. Well, coming to think, that first date was a total disaster. I wonder what I was thinking. I realized right there that I had never been truly in love like I'm just now. I loved Konrad and Constantin, but it was totally different from Altair’s. I was losing my head over his e-mails and I could behave like a bloody brat if I wanted to because he accepted me with all my neurosis. 

How different my life would have been if I would had met him when I was twenty! 

I can't cry over the spilled milk now. I can only hope and pray that a new life with him gives me all what I never really had. This is a pure love, born free of debt or guilt. Untainted. Just like when you fall in love for the first time and everything is new and shiny, when you think your better half can do you no harm. 

When you trust whom you love. 

Altair was giving me everything he had and asking nothing in return and that was incredible because I've never experienced something like this with Konrad or Constantin. Konrad wanted my unfaltering loyalty and obedience and Constantin my ability to create a world for him. 

Altair wants nothing from me. He only wants me to be happy and be happy with me.

It's liberating and I never thought that love could give you freedom despite you give yourself to someone else. 

We returned at dawn, just on time for me to shower and let the nurse change the bandages and dress for the flight. 

I had breakfast with the Ladykillers and they behaved very well. No arguments and Ferdinand even agreed with me that if I wanted to pay for the hospital's bill, I should do it. He helped me with the money transfer to pay off Konrad. 

We arrived at the airport and I was a bit confused because the limos didn't stop at the entrance hall and drove directly towards the private flights area. 

“I booked an Etihad flight to London.” I told Ferdinand, sitting next to me. The rest had cowardly disappeared into the other cars. 

“No, you didn’t, ” he told me. “We take the Bombardier back to Zurich.” 

“I asked Monika to book me a flight to London and told her to charge it to me.” 

“It's a costs thing, my boy.” Ferdinand lectured me with a lot of arrogance. “A first class ticket costs around 25.000 per person. We are about, let me see, nine people going back to Zurich and a Bombardier flight hour is about 7.000 and we have about 8 hours. It's about 225.000 against, let's say, 100.000 to be on the safe side. Conclusion: We're saving a lot of money with our own plane and we don't have to mix with the serfs. This place reeks of tourists.” 

“I'm not going to Zurich!” 

“Good luck with finding a plane to London. All booked out. Oh, here we are.” Ferdinand descended from the car like a king and I saw my own things being loaded into the cargo containers, including my briefcase with papers and iPad together. 

I had to argue with the stout Serbian bodyguard in charge to get it back. Inside the plane, Ratko had developed a sudden interest in designer handbags and was sharing his findings with Wagemann and my nurse. I mean, those two were showing to each other what they had purchased for their wives; something only being sold in EUA. Michael worked like never before and Ferdinand had the nerve to tell me: 

“Boy, if I were you, I wouldn't send the man who fumbles with my heart in Economy.” 

I sat in Konrad's place and spoke to nobody all the way back to Switzerland. On top, we had a five hours delay because all runways were full and the caterer had some trouble. This is the first time I hear about something like this. 

We arrived the next day, very early in the morning and when I was going to go to the main building and get a ticket to London, Ferdinand had the good grace of informing me that my sons were still in Zurich. 

“Tell Lintorff to send them to my flat if he doesn't want to see me.” I growled at Ferdinand.

“Why don't you come with me? I'll give you a ride home and you can see them there. They must be at school now. Holidays are over.” 

“That's the least you can do.” I said without thinking because I was very upset with Ferdinand. I hate when he plays dumb because he is not. He's in league with Konrad to do something but alas, there are no taxis on this side of the airport. 

Dieter, the butler nearly had a heart attack when he saw me and he stammered something about his Grace being at the library. 

“Don't bother him. I'm not here to see him. Go for my children and call me a cab.” I told him and Dieter paled. 

“Guntram, don't start whining like a little girl,” Ferdinand said and entered in the house. I heard him yelling “coffee!” from a distance. I had to follow him to the living room. 

* * * 

The vicomte is here, your Grace,” a mortified Dieter dared to interrupt his enraged master. The day couldn't have started worse because early in the morning, the duke's secretary had phoned to say his office was in sore state due to a pipe leakage. The master's mood had been stormier than his usual despotic self since the vicomte had moved away. The duke had complained about the noise made by the cleaning ladies, argued with the chef over breakfast, laid off the gardener's help and yelled at the bodyguards for not taking his dog out when he had clearly said he was going to do it. 

“Who is here?” Konrad asked coldly, his gaze not leaving the papers he was reading. 

“The Vicomte de Marignac.” Dieter only wished to be struck by a lightening right there. “Mr. von Kleist is here too.” 

Konrad slammed the folder closed, rose from his chair and strode past the shaken Dieter. 

Two cleaning ladies curtseyed when they saw the duke walking with long strides towards the living room but he didn't pay attention at all. He was boiling with indignation. Not even his late mother had dared to disobey a direct order like Guntram did; he was banished from the house and there he was, coming unannounced. Like a hurricane, Konrad jerked the door open and entered in the living room. 

Konrad held his breath when he saw Guntram standing by the chimney. It was like seeing again the boy he had fell in love so many years ago in Notre Dame. Guntram stood proudly and there was a vivacious look in his eyes that Konrad had not seen since he had been sick for the first time. He was so full of life. Konrad opened his mouth to yell at him for his disobedience, but the words died in his lips. 

“Save me you tantrum, Lintorff.” Guntram said coldly. “We would have saved us all this unpleasant moment if you had sent my children to London as agreed. Please ask their nanny to have them ready.” 

“London?” Konrad was clueless. Why on earth would he send the babies to London in the middle of the ski week? “I'm afraid there's a misunderstanding,” he said and glared at the sheepishly looking, sitting on the edge of a chair Ferdinand. “Kurt and Kostya are away in Lenk. Skiing with their schoolmates.” 

Konrad and Guntram looked at each other unsure of what to do or say. Both were clueless, looking at each other as they didn't know who the other was. 

Suddenly, they couldn't remember why they hated each other so much. 

'He's getting old,' thought Guntram. 'We both are.' 

“All right. I'm leaving,” Ferdinand announced merrily when both men didn't glare at each other as was to be expected. They only gaped at each other as if they were seeing each other for the first time. That was a good sign. There was something different in the air compared with the many other confrontations he had witnessed over the years.

“Please, wait for me.” Guntram said with a cold gentle voice. “I'm going to my flat. I'm sorry for intruding you, Konrad.” 

“I'm not going to the office. I'm visiting my mother now.” Ferdinand said quickly and dashed for the door in an elegant way. “In Bern.” 

Ferdinand hesitated a bit when he reached the door because Konrad was blocking it as he frowned upon him. 

“It's then perfectly safe to assume that tomorrow my office will be in perfect conditions.” He growled and Ferdinand nervously smiled. “My greetings to your mother... in Lucerne.” 

“Yes, Lucerne. You're right. At 93 her mind is in better shape than mine.” Ferdinand jerked the door open and quickly walked away. 

Konrad was aghast. Once more, Ferdinand was behaving like an idiot and had set up Guntram and he. 'It isn't Guntram's fault. I should have known. Playing dirty is not his style.' 

Guntram turned his back to Konrad and picked up his portfolio shoulder bag. “I'm going away too.” He had also realized that Ferdinand and the rest of the pack had decided once more to childishly play “matchmaker” and as usual, their efforts ended in tragedy or cheap comedy. Konrad was a natural born liar but he had never mixed the boys in his lies. Lawyers repeated what the hand writing the check commanded them to, and this time, Ferdinand must have been writing handsomely. 

“The chauffeur can take you back to the city in half an hour.” Konrad shut the door on his butler's nose. Guntram looked so different and full of life that he couldn't help to stare again. His eyes were not full of hatred as they had been when he had learned about his family's demise. 

“I'll get a taxi.” 

“It'll take the same time for the cab to drive over here than waiting for the chauffeur. Sit down.” Konrad said coldly, quickly recovering himself from his daze. 'What's wrong with me? It's only Guntram!' 

“Dieter, tea!” Konrad shouted to the butler waiting behind the closed door.

'Now I see why there were so many complaints about his temper when I first came here.' Guntram sat in one of the individual sofas and waited for Konrad to do the same, on the sofa, the coffee table faithfully serving as a barrier. 

“You look much better now.” Konrad broke the heavy silence between them. Dieter had served the tea but Guntram had said nothing at all. Konrad saw the cherry pastries Guntram loved so much and wondered for a brief moment how big was the plot if up to the chef was involved. Despite that Guntram had not even cast a glance at them, Konrad knew that he was the only one eating them as his boys preferred chocolate. 

“Thank you,” Guntram replied after a long pause. “I feel much better now too. The postoperative was much easier than I thought.” 

“Yes, Ferdinand told me so.” Konrad drank from his tea cup. Guntram's coldness was a powerful tool in his hands and he certainly knew how to play his cards to bend him to his will. “Why do you think Kurt and Kostya are in London? They went away with the school for the whole week. To a ski station in Lenk. I thought you knew.” 

“Ferdinand said that you agreed to send them to London so I wouldn't be setting a foot in your house, just like you “commanded”. I should go away now, before Klaus or Karl see me. My lawyers will speak with yours.” 

“Maybe we should sort things by ourselves, without vultures circling around us. There are many things at stake, starting by our sons.” Konrad said with an even voice. Something inside him screamed 'He's mine!' but he chose to ignore the call.  

“My children are mine.” Guntram said  without hesitations. 

“I've been granted Kostya's full custody.” Konrad broke the news and sipped from his tea while Guntram gaped at him, unable to understand the meaning of his words. “By a New Zealander judge and a local one. You need my signature to get them out of the country as it seems to be your plan. You took Kurt away without my permission and the judge ruled in my favor while you were in Abu Dhabi.” 

Guntram remained silent and set the china teacup on the table. “If you want war, that's what you'll have, Lintoff.” He stated calmly. 

“Don't threaten me, Guntram. I don't react well to threats.” 

“I'm not threatening you. It's just a fair warning so you can put your affairs in order.” 

“Guntram, you have no chance against me.” 

“I'll enjoy seeing you in prison.” Guntram said evenly. “I'll enjoy to see the Order being dismantled and I'll enjoy to bring down most of your companies.” 

“Be careful with your words. This is my final warning: I won't let you split the brothers as if they were some kind of real estate,” Konrad growled and his cold stare gave Guntram pause. “Stay in Zurich and let's negotiate a convenient way for us to share them.” 

“Very well, I'll move in to my father's house with Altair.” Guntram replied ironically despite he was afraid of Konrad. His eyes had that steely shine that had frightened him when he had seen him for the first time in Venice. The perfect mix of a lion and a cobra. 

“Are you planning to pull a Lady Di's stunt?” Konrad snorted. “You wouldn't be so stupid. Repin was one thing and we kept it quiet, mostly to protect Antonov, but this Arab? You might lose your... “military backup”. The down part of being one of the so called Sons of Christ is that you have to stick to your origins. Guntram, make up something else before Gorgazali, di Mattei and their crusaders run to their confessors looking for absolution or to check if Mary Magdalene had any other children.” 

Guntram held his breath when he heard Alexei's name. 'Constantin had it coming,' his mind told him but to have his suspicions confirmed in such a crude way hurt him nevertheless. He missed Constantin every day but he was dead and there was nothing he could do to bring him back. 

“All right dear, if you want me to stay with you,” Guntram answered with mocked sweetness. “I'll stay with you in every board you are in. After all, I was doing your job before and I'm feeling much better now. I can replace you easily.” 

Konrad's eyes flashed a light of fury for a brief second but his iron will forced him to remain calm. “It will be a pleasure to welcome you back in the business,” he said mimicking Guntram's tone. 'If that's what you want, you'll get the darkest office.' 

'If he's working with me, Gorgazali and di Mattei have no casus belli against me. That's better than any letter or talk. In fact, this is the best outcome for me.'

“Between Volkswagen's crookery and this upcoming Brexit mess, I'm exhausted.” Konrad said with high spirits. “This Volkswagen's disaster will have a huge impact on several of their subsidiaries and I'm desperate to find a way to avoid laying people off to keep them afloat. I'll tell Monika to brief you on the matter and arrange the meetings with the companies' CEOs.” Konrad rose to his feet. 'If she can lie to me so well, she can add an orphan or two to the original story.' 

“Excuse me?” Guntram took a deep breath in. He couldn't believe his ears. 

“Maybe I was a bit too harsh in my previous approach to our separation and is nonsense to forbid you to be here. You can stay in the cottage and check all the paperwork from there.” 

Guntram was thrown off from his balance and his mind had trouble to follow Konrad's speech. He opened his mouth but Konrad paid no attention to him and continued unrolling his plan.  

“Your boys will be back in three days and I don't want to put them out of the camp because they're bonding so well with their new schoolmates. You can use that time to read everything and present the board with a solution.”

“I'm not going to work for you. It's ridiculous!” Guntram protested but Konrad didn't hear him as he walked towards the door. 

“I'll tell Dieter to put your things there. See how things are much easily resolved without lawyers around? They tend to make a mess out of the smallest thing.” Konrad closed the door behind him as he left Guntram pondering what had happened. 

* *

Guntram de Lisle's diary (cont.) 

January 12^th, 2016 

I was fuming by the time we waited in the living room. First Konrad makes me take his stupid plane, then he sends my children away when he knows I'm coming and now he kept me waiting. 

Konrad entered in the room and his presence surprised me. He looked different, as if divorce would suit him. He was never bad looking before and there was nothing left of the trapped man I've seen in the months previous to our break up. Well, he was guilt ridden. Now he looked his former self, just when I saw him for the first time in Venice. Tall, self assured and emanating that aura of power that always dazzled me. It was hard to get back to my senses but my fury and indignation did the trick. 

After Ferdinand scurried away (like always), Konrad behaved like his usual self-assured pig. We argued and he told me had full custody of my children and I still don't know how, he got me into solving his own shit with a Spanish springs company and some anxious traders in London. 

I mean, I simply don't know how it happened. I was so upset with him that I ate the full dish of Jean Jacques' pastries. 

Yes, I'm turning into a comfort-eater pig like Ferdinand. I phoned my lawyer and she sounded terribly sorry for me, but getting rid of Konrad would take months if not years. The fucker! I nearly fired her because she didn't see it coming. 

I'll have to look for another lawyer and to my utter misery, Konrad decided to follow my father's advice and get rid of that useless prick of Merenghetti and hire new vultures, who happen to know what they're doing.

I don't think it had passed an hour when Monika phoned me, overloaded my e-mail inbox with documents and told me the tearful story of a small springs company in the middle of the Spanish plains with a whole village depending on its survival if Volkswagen moved its spring production to China. 

I felt bad for the poor devils and began to read the things on the iPad. Dieter returned and asked me if I didn't want to use my own private office in our quarters as the Duke was in the library and the cottage wasn't ready. 

Though it irked me to go back to the bedroom we once shared, the sofa was killing my back, my iPad had almost no battery left and I needed to take some notes. So I went there. 

That flea infested dog was there and he howled when he saw me. He made a mess of my trousers. My only comfort was that he had been very busy nibbling one of Konrad's shoes. Serves him well. 

“Johannes missed you terribly, sir.” Dieter told me as he quickly “cleaned” the shoe crime scene. No, Konrad will never find it out because he thinks handmade shoes grow on trees. He won't even miss it. All his shoes look the same since 1972.

All my things were still there. Untouched and undisturbed. Konrad truly has a conservatism problem. If you're asked for divorce, throw you former other half's stuff into a cardboard box and kick it to the basement. 

I began to work and by lunchtime I remembered Altair. 

He wasn't happy at all that I was in Zurich and he was furious with Konrad and my lack of guts against him. What can I do? Poison him? Denounce him? I'll get a bigger problem. 

Altair shouted me for half an hour and he was right. I was glad that we weren't using Skype because I was sitting in the small desk, some seven meters away from Konrad's bed, with a large mutt drooling over my lap and a whole desk covered with Konrad's papers. 

Wonderful way to start an honest and committed relationship! 

I got myself trapped into this shit and now that I remember, it happened in the same way when my “pals” Goran and Alexei tricked me into coming back from Constantin's flat in Paris. 

“The duke is willing to negotiate,” they told me. 

My ass! 

I was cursing at my own imbecility so much that I decided to start working before I would ruin the new heart with a heart attack. 

I worked till lunchtime, speaking on the phone with St.Claude (on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of Farage’s people. I thought we were on their side), a Spanish politician, trying to persuade him to loosen up his wallet in favor of the small town’s tax benefits system, Lavrov, Monika and seeing how my e-mail inbox was getting more and more crammed. 

Dieter told me lunch was served in the daily dinning room. 

I asked if he could bring me something up but our Jean Jacques doesn't want his “créations” traveling the stairs up. 

I had to have lunch with the bastard. Jean Jacques had made that soup in a bread from L'Élysée, Rouladen, that apple ice cream I like so much. A true feast but we didn't say much to each other. 

Konrad spoke about the boys going to the same school I chose before I went away, that Klaus and Karl were having dinner now with the “elders” as they were 12 years old. I felt a pang of remorse because I had missed their birthdays; that they had passed the tests for the Gymmasium; that he had hired a piano teacher for Kostya and that Kurt was crazy about computers and robots. The boys had built a great relationship but Kostya had been crying since he came here because he missed me. He was now great friends with Karl and followed him everywhere he went. He also liked very much his “uncle Goran” who was teaching him music. 

“Splitting them would only harm them more.” Konrad said and he's right but I don't see any other way out. Is he going to ask Altair over dinner? I don't think so or if he does, he will serve a roasted wild boar. 

He didn't ask anything about my plans for the future as if my presence in this house was something you can take for granted. To his “selective hearing” skills, Konrad has added now the prowesses of “selective watching” and “selective thinking” as well. All my life I was thinking that he was jealous of everything around me! If it suits him, he makes a scene, if not, well, it isn't so important. 

This time, he's not going to get what he wants. I know his game.

I went back to work. Why on earth did I do that? It's not as if he's paying me a salary. Altair is right. I'm insane. 

At five thirty, Klaus and Karl returned from school and I gasped when I saw them. They had grown so much. Almost 5.5 feet and broad shoulders like their father. They were very happy to see me and we hugged each other for a long time. Karl asked me several times if I was going away again. I evaded the question as well as I could, but all my morning resolutions were in the trash bin by six o'clock. 

Konrad had told them I've been in a hospital with that bloody machine attached to me and then about the heart transplant. He had said that we decided that it was for the best to split while I was getting better. They were more interested about how my life was going to be now that “my” heart was working well. 

I never gave any thought about it. Theoretically I can do now all the things a normal person can do as long as I take the new pills. I was overwhelmed at the perspective of a normal life. I didn't know what to tell and it dawned me that I haven't given any thought to that too. I'm a normal person again, not a cripple. I don't have to feel grateful that someone wants to share his-her life with me.  

“You must leave Guntram alone so he can finish with his work.” Mr. Joy interrupted us. “You must have homework too.” 

“We'll see each other at dinner, right?” Klaus asked me and before I could say anything Konrad announced that I was staying until my boys were back. I had to agree. 

I'm grateful to Konrad that he hasn't poisoned the boys against me. That speaks well about him. I did the same for him though it was very hard. Our own shit shouldn't splatter the boys. 

I continued to work alone and it felt truly weird to go to Konrad's dressing room to get some of my old clothes to dress for dinner. He should have sent them to the charity shop or something, not keeping them for over a year. I'll tell tomorrow Dieter to move them out. 

Dinner with the boys went well and I was glad they were there. Otherwise, I would have stabbed Konrad by the second dish. Seeing their faces grimacing at the boiled fish made me remember when they were babies and Konrad had decreed they'd have it every fifteen days, no matter what. That was a nice time. 

I put the boys to bed and went to the living room to look for someone to tell me how to get a taxi. I was sent to sleep in the blue room in the tower, the same I get when we are “upset” with each other. My former rooms in the nursery had been transformed into a music room for Kostya and a real studio for Klaus and Karl, a place where little ones are banned. 

I found Konrad drinking in the library. I sat in my usual spot but refused the drink and settled for mineral water. 

“I think we should speak like adults,” I said. 

“I'm almost sixty and you're turning thirty-five soon,” he settled the glass on the table next to him. 

“I almost didn't turn thirty-four.” I said. “It's been rough.” I don't know why I added that. He cares shit! 

“I know,” Konrad told me softly. “It was our own annus horribilis and yet we are here again. How are you?” 

The question took me aback as I didn't know what to tell him but he was sounding reasonable so it was negotiation time. 

“I won't lie to you. I'm much better after the surgery. In fact, I feel like when I was nineteen and didn't know you.” I replied. “I'm in love with someone else.” I added softly. “Maybe I was before too, this is why I want the divorce.” 

“This man loves you very much.” Konrad said and I frowned. “I spoke long with him twice in New Zealand and he struck me as a good person.” 

“Altair is a good man, with faults like all of us, but essentially good.” I said. “Staying married to you won't help any of us. A clear break up is for the best.” 

“Do you really want to leave the boys behind? Do you want to deprive me of your children? That was the hardest punishment you could have ever found, Guntram. I was nearly mad with concern and fear for a year when you took away Kurt -you named him after me, remember?-. You even asked me to look after Kostya when you were so ill. I won't grant you the divorce. I will go to the courts and fight you to my last breath. Do whatever you want but be ready to fight with me.” 

I took a deep breath. “Do you want that the hatred we have for each other to grow more? That will be worse for the children.” 

“I don't hate you, not even after you went to Repin's and took my boys. There's something inside me that prevents me from hating you.” 

“You don't hate me?” I snorted. “That's funny considering that you ordered my father's execution and then said: “Oh, no. Lacroix went missing again”.”

“I had powerful reasons to do it,” he told me. “I hope you never have to be in the position of making such a decision. It was he or you and my children. I didn't hesitate and did what was expected from me. You were never in more danger than you were that day.” 

“It doesn't surprise me.” I said quietly. “I hate this game.” 

“You played it just like me.” Konrad's eyes were injected in blood. “I never wanted this for you or to lie to you but I thought that in that way you wouldn't be hurt so much by his betrayal of your trust once again.” 

“My father played a dangerous game and used me.” Konrad looked at me surprised. I guess he never expected me to say me those words but I know better now. “He knew what he was doing when that money went to the wrong hands and it was my signature on that cheque. I honestly thought it was for Yazidi girls but I should have known better because we had no working charities in the area. It was my mistake too.” 

“However this chain of mistakes set many things into motion.” I took a deep breath in. “I got to know Altair better and fell in love with him. Constantin showed up right out of thin air and he had Kostya with him. I stayed with him because he was like a father for my boys. He even told me who is their mother and it happens that I know her. Maybe you think I'm crazy, but Constantin and I shared a connection that ran deeper than what you and I ever did. I couldn't be without him, knowing he was somewhere around and he couldn't be without me. When we were together, it was... great.” 

“All these years I've felt like a thief because I took the lead and got to you first.” Konrad told me sadly. “I've known that you and Repin were perfect for each other for years and I thank you for the loyalty you showed me when we were together.” 

That was a real surprise. He never said anything like that before. 

“I did love you.” Konrad said sadly. “And I thought you loved me back.” 

“I did.” I told him. “I loved you and Constantin at the same time but in different ways. That isn't exactly loyalty.” 

“You never acted upon your thoughts. That's loyalty. You made me very happy. Happy to a point I didn't know people could be.” 

“I was very happy with you but what happened with my father is something I can't let go. I'm not safe here neither my boys are.” 

“Guntram, you're one of us and you never betrayed us. I risked my own marriage to keep you safe.” Konrad said emphatically. “Tell me, would you tell the police that it was Antonov the one who killed Repin?” 

“No,” I replied instantly. “I can't. Alexei saved my neck countless times and what happened between them was karma. Nor I would say anything against Goran or Ratko or any of the crazy Serbs we live with. If this isn't a mafia, I don't know what it is.”

“This is why we won't let you go.” Konrad told me. “The divorce will mean nothing to us. It's just a paper. You are their Hochmeister and you want to live with a Muslim?” 

“That's why I'm leaving.” I said. “So you don't have to see me any more. I was happy in New Zealand without any of you around. It was the best time of my life.” 

“It was a holiday from your duties. We all need one. Do you really think that this man could walk in Repin's shoes and give you back what you lost? Look at you now. The moment you heard about that little company in the middle of nowhere -I bought it to make somebody a favor- you put all your energy into getting it working again. Do you really think that you are not one of us?”

“I have enough money as to get my own companies in the middle of nowhere.” Konrad might be right but it means shit to me. 

“God has given you a new chance in life. Think about your future while you wait for the babies to come home. I'm offering you a truce. Let's try to put our resentments aside and be civil to each other. I hold no grudge against you.” 

“I can't be your friend after all what happened but I know you saved my life when you went over my living will. I can't hate you but I want to continue to live my life away from here.”

“We are no ordinary men, Guntram. I know it since I was born and you have learned it over the years. Our privileges come with obligations towards the people around us.” Konrad told me. “You must be very tired from the flight and work. I'll see you tomorrow.” 

Just like that, he sent me to bed. I was emotionally burned out so I followed him through the stairs and he accompanied me to my room. We said good night and that was all. 

I can't sleep at all so I started to type all this into my laptop. I don't know what I'm going to do. Seeing my boys, yes Klaus and Karl are my babies no matter how much I try to deny it, has turned my world upside down. 

Konrad's attitude is maddening. I was expecting a confrontation but he offered a truce -after screwing me in the courts with my own son's custody. It will take me years to overrule it-. He's “nice” but stabs me on the back. He offers the candy but I know he has the bludgeon hidden somewhere. I can't complain because there's nothing new about it. 

I'm full of doubts. I love Altair but it's a jump into the abyss. Here I know everything and what's expected of me and my boys know where they stand. I can't move again Kurt and Kostya away from all what they know or what they have. Kurt was very upset because he wasn't going to school any longer or because his lobster was away. Only Constantin's attention and Kurt's curiosity and desire for mischief distracted him a little from his misery. 

Konrad isn't lying when he says Kurt is happier here with his brothers than in a far away land. 

My Kostya must be a mess. I was in the hospital, Constantin was killed and one stranger took him away from all what he knew. 

And here I come into picture; I want to move him away from the continent, to live with a perfect stranger. Maybe he has made some friends in the new school. Konrad told me he was shocked to see so many children together in a classroom or to have a teacher. 

Kostya is in a baby school trip and this is the first time he's on his own with children of his age. Konrad showed me the photos the teachers posted on the internet and he looks very happy. Konrad has told him I'm healthy again and coming back for him very soon. I'm sure he has already bonded with Konrad and I can't break that. Michael and Ferdinand spoke a lot about him when we were in Abu Dhabi, so they like him too. 

I can't leave Klaus and Karl again. I shouldn't have done it but my own fears blinded me. Konrad is right; I'm making their lives miserable. I should be very grateful that they still speak to me when I have only caused them sorrow. I'm always running away and they suffer. They’re just children and it's my fault. 

I'm thorn between my boys and Altair. He's going to give up all of his life for me and a few horses in the middle of the Pampa. I can't ask him to do that. 

The question is: can I live without him? I don't think so.