TS 3 Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Guntram de Lisle’s diary

August 19^th, 2014 

“You didn't come to bed last night,” Guntram's soft voice broke the dense silence engulfing the small living room. A sombre Konrad rose his eyes from the iPad where he had been reading the news. 

“It was very late and I didn't want to disturb you. I slept in the blue room.” 

“I was waiting for you,” Guntram insisted softly. 

“I'm afraid that both our medical conditions will refrain us from sharing the bed for a few months more.” Konrad answered. 

“I'm perfectly aware of it but we can still sleep together.” 

“We'll see,” mumbled Konrad as he returned to his digital newspaper. Guntram drank his tea as the room fell again in complete silence.

“Why are you so upset with me?” Guntram asked. “I did my best to keep this circus running.” 

Konrad sighed and switched off the device, closing the cover slowly, wishing he could win some time that would allow him to find the proper way to formulate all his daunting thoughts. Yes, the word to define him was “upset”. He wasn't furious or willing to take revenge on everyone. He felt defeated and sad. 

“I've been thinking many things over the past days, Guntram.” Konrad started slowly. “The first thing is that I love you more than anything in this world, more than my three children. The second is that I've played a great role in our downfall and I'm responsible for most of the things that are going wrong in the Order. The third is that our relationship should have never happened.”

Guntram had never expected to hear those final words. His lips trembled but he said nothing. 

“Friederich warned me against being with you, Guntram. In Venice. He told me many times that you were a wonderful person but my past relationship with Roger would hurt you. I should have heard him but I didn't because of my own selfishness. I wanted to have you no matter the consequences. I fought for you with all what I had and your reaction to finding out the truth was a healthy one. But I insisted and insisted and gained you back. I... disregarded my duties as Hochmeister just to be with you.”

Guntram opened his mouth to protest but Konrad's risen hand stopped him from talking. 

“You are right. Goran isn't a good Hochmeister. I've spoken long with him. He's not comfortable with this office and he has committed many mistakes. We lack any kind of sound policies like those we had in the past. We are just returning blows when before we were giving them. We are a disbanded and demoralized brotherhood. The truth is that, as a leader, I was distracted with you, Guntram. I didn't see Repin coming. I didn't see the many defections we had. I didn't see the shift in the European policy nor many other things.”

“I suffered this heart attack the moment I read the article about us. My whole world collapsed at that moment. I could only think about you and all the damage I've caused you. How are we going to be together in public? I'm sure that this scandal killed Friederich.”  

“No one remembers that. Is out of the press by now. We have been replaced by something else.” Guntram protested frantically. 

“What about the boys? What's going to happen in school? Do you think tolerance is so widespread?” Konrad took a deep breath in. “Having gay parents is hard enough but what if they're like relatives?”  

“What about my conscience?” Konrad added softly. “I'm the ultimate cause of Friederich's death. He died because of my wrongdoings. He tried to make a good man out of me but I failed him. He died with me in prison.” 

“No!” shouted Guntram. “Friederich advised me and was with me all the time. He trusted me to get you out of there. He was disappointed by your family's reaction to my pleas for help. Not a single one of our “friends” lifted a finger for us.” 

“Yes, it was my fault.” Konrad said firmly. “As your father says, we deserved jail for being so careless and idiotic. We all agree on that.” 

“I can't stop thinking what your life would have been if I wasn't there. You'd be happier than now, Guntram. Married perhaps to a good person and happy with your children.” 

“I'd be a sorry accountant keeping records in total loneliness. No woman in her right mind would have married me or had children with me. There was a reason why they didn't like me before. They smelled my inclinations before I did.” 

“You don't know that. You always say you don't like other men but me to touch you.” 

Guntram felt a pang of remorse at the words. “That's not exactly true,” he admitted embarrassed. “I... sometimes... felt pleasure with Constantin or fantasized about living with John.” 

“You don't know what my life could have been. Nobody knows,”  Guntram spoke again as his eyes focused themselves on the mantelpiece at the other side of the room; they only wanted to escape Konrad's intense glare at his earlier words. 

“Perhaps I would have been with Constantin and things gone well with him and I'd be a great painter or maybe things would have gone wrong and I'd be dead. Massaiev wouldn't have had any problems in getting rid of an Argentinean boy.” 

“Or perhaps I would have settled down with my cousin's boyfriend, the lawyer, Pedro Lanusse and I'd spent the rest of my life painting in the countryside because he hated the city. But look at them now, they're happy together and think about taking over my grandfather's vineyards. Grapes are almost as exciting as cows. Fifteen years ago, Pedro would have laughed at your face if you would have said something about vineyards.” 

“Guntam, I should have never pressed you into being with me.” Konrad refused all his arguments with his head. “I love you dearly but this is wrong.” 

Guntram was rendered speechless. Time ceased to exist and for a brief moment wondered if he had been plunged into another of his nightmares, where nothing made sense any more. 

“I could never leave you, but this marriage is wrong in so many levels. I don't blame you for anything and my life would have been a total disaster if you wouldn't have come into it, but we are causing sorrow to so many people.” 

“If you love me why do you say that?” Guntram felt like crying but he couldn't shed any tears. 

“This is wrong, Guntram. I've known it for years but never wanted to admit it.” Konrad said softly. “I think we should give some time to each other.” 

“That's what people say when they don't want to see each other.” Guntram closed his fist to suppress his despair. “I don't understand you. Do you want me out?” 

“No, never. We can't split because of the children and not knowing where you are or if you are all right would drive me crazy. We should continue as good friends.”

“Good friends? Don't you want me any more?”

“I can't desire you knowing what I know. Even if my health would allow it, I just can't do it. I don't want the divorce; I only want a temporary separation. A time off. Many things have happened in the past months- and we both need time to think.”

“You tell me that you don't want to hurt the children but you want us to show the world we aren't together any more. How do you think they will take it?” Guntram said venomously. “If you're sick of me, just say it because I'm quite sick of your bloody Order.” Furious, he threw his napkin over the table and stormed out of the room. 

'It really went well,' Konrad thought sarcastically, upset with himself. 'He will be furious with me for the whole week.' 

Slowly, Konrad finished his own breakfast although he didn't feel like it. 'If you put it in your dish, Konrad, finish it,' the voice of his mentor resounded in his head the moment he considered about leaving his food on the plate. The old lessons were hard to forget and the memories stabbed his heart with each shadow he saw in the corners of the house. 

A soft knock on the door forced him to return from his misery. He cleared his throat and dryly said “come in”. The sight of Dieter, hesitant about if he should remove his own abandoned cold breakfast, soured Konrad's mood even more. Unable to say “take it away,” he simply walked away, back to his own bedroom, to leave the responsibility of such “heinous crime” to his own butler. 

'He took his Audi, not one of our cars. He must be quite mad at me,' Konrad thought as he contemplated the black car drive away from his panelled window. 'Should I go away or should I move him out of our bedroom? If I give the order, then hell will break loose.' 

The garden looked gloomy under the early Autumn. 'The boys had to move to a new school and that's my fault too.' 

'Since 1648 nobody cast the Lintorffs out of their lands and I have achieved that.'

'We have to split for a while or at least until I recover all what I lost by my own imbecility. I wasn't like that; weak or doubtful before. Since Guntram returned, I fear losing him every day.' 

'I'm not like that,’ he growled at himself. 'Weak and running away from my obligations. Since 2008, I'm like a toothless lion but no more. I have to get to the bottom of this and set things right.'

“Oh, I'm sorry your Excellency. I didn't know you were here,” a soft feminine voice broke Konrad's thoughts and he turned around to see one of the maids standing at his door. 

“You can do the room,” he turned around to continue looking at the garden and the woman obeyed, doing her best to be quiet as a mouse. Konrad simply ignored her as he thought and thought about the future. 

The noise of a trolley being rolled over the wooden floor broke again his concentration and he turned around to see the maid piling up Guntram's shirts inside the suitcase. 

“Where are you taking that?” he asked coldly. 'If he goes to his father's we are going to have a real conversation this time.' 

“The Vicomte asked me to move some of his things to the blue room downstairs,” she answered fearfully. “I'll do it later, Sir.” 

“Finish your work,” Konrad answered laconically although he felt relieved that Guntram had solved that problem by himself. Moving downstairs wasn't as bad as moving downtown. “Did the Vicomte say anything else?” 

“He will have lunch in the city, sir. Will you have lunch here, sir?” 

'With Eberhard, the talking radio and the boys? No, I'm not ready for that.' 

“No. Tell Monika to gather her things and we'll drive to the bank.” 

* * * 

“Don't you have work to do?” Guntram asked shocked when he saw his father casually dressed, sitting in his own studio at his house. He had expected to sit in father’s library, sort out his thoughts, get some of Fairuza's mint tea and evade the neighbor downstairs. Bumping into Goran was too much for his nerves at the time.  

“If you pay my bill, my dear child, then you can give me orders.” Michel answered with that dry tone Guntram knew very well. 

“I'm sorry. I didn't want to sound like that,” the young man quickly excused himself. “I'm just surprised that you're not at the Foundation.” 

“I've been just fired by SMS,” Michel answered with a lopsided smile. “The legal teams at Lintorff Privatbank still leave a lot to be desired. An SMS is not enough to break a working contract but what can you expect from Merenghetti's puppies?” 

“Are you fired? Why?” Guntram shouted. 

“I don't know. Three hundred characters don't allow much space to express yourself. I imagine the old hag must have been very pleased with herself this morning.” 

Guntam sat but couldn't find the words to express his growing rage and sadness. “I'm sorry, papa.” 

“I sent Fairuza to recover my Tiffany lamp. As my working contract has been broken in such a rude way, I consider myself free to resume the activities of my own legal firm. Ah, by the way. I'm planning to sue your husband for not paying my salary since two months and a few things more.” 

“This is not possible,” Guntram mumbled despondently. “You got him out and cleared his name.” 

“Clean he will never be,” Michel shrugged. “But I hope that the 4.7 million bill he will get from my associates will give him enough respectability.” 

“Are you still charging him?” Guntram was in shock. 

“Every second of my valuable time. We are lawyers not a charity organization,” huffed Michel. “I was never fired in my life. And you?” he added when he saw Guntram's distressed expression. “Were you?” 

“Just now. Sort of,” the young man admitted slowly. 

“Being fired is like being pregnant,” Michel retorted haughtily. “You are or you are not.” 

“I got a reduced working hours schedule,” Guntram said miserably. “I mean, he wants us to be friends but threw me out of the bedroom because of uncle Roger.” 

“It's not very clear what you're saying. Do you need a good divorce lawyer?” 

“No!” Guntram said emphatically. “I really don't know what I need or what he wants. He says what we have is wrong.”

“It took him some years but considering how thick his skull is, we still can consider this revelation as a sort of a miracle.” 

“It was your idea in the first place,” Guntram retorted bitterly. 

“How could any sane human being even consider to “marry” a seven-year-old?” Michel huffed. “That alone shows how deranged Lintorff is. Speaking with you is useless as you are as strong headed as your grandfather ever was. Now tell me exactly what happened this time.” 

Embarrassed by the scold -which Guntram believed to be a well deserved one-, he began to tell all what had happened at the meeting and in the morning. His voice carried his words but instead of giving him comfort, Guntram felt his own anger rise to an unknown level. 

“You were there and saw it. I did all what I could and now I'm fired as Hochmeister. By them! And Elisabetta fired you without a single proof of who knows what. One of her secretaries had the nerve of e-mailing me some questions about a donation we made to some rescue association for Yazidi girls! She was nearly implying that you or I took the money for myself! I feel being used like a... kitchen rag. Fired by a third rate secretary.” 

“Was this not supposed to be the Council's duty?” Michel asked calmly. “Did you speak with them?” 

“It's not a job I want to keep,” Guntram mumbled. “At least the cup is safe.” 

“What did you do?” Michel asked genuinely surprised. 

“Everything was so messed up that I asked Enrico to make a copy and gave the original to his people. It's well protected in Bari. The copy is in our chapel and I'd like that you keep me the secret.”

“Why did you do that?” Michel was shocked that his own son had done something against Lintorff's wishes. “That's unlike you. You always do what Lintorff tells you to do.” 

“I... don't know. I just felt it was the right thing to do. These people will look after it well. I know I can trust them.” 

“Of course you can trust them but this is unexpected from you.” 

“Perhaps I wasn't so mistaken if Konrad and the others put me out. I don't want to have this object standing around in the middle of a war. I simply don't understand why they're behaving like they do. Being in Bari has opened my eyes. I can't lie to myself any more. There's nothing noble about the Order.”

“Blood is thicker than water, mon petit. Look at you now. You're truly our heir and behave as such. You dared to rise your voice to one of the Lintorffs and your husband is upset with you. You're not one of them, no matter what they say. Praise the Lord for not being one of their lot.” 

“Some days I believe Friederich died of a broken heart not because of Konrad's but of the family who turned their backs at us.” Guntram said slowly. “The arrest didn't affect him as much as Elisabetta's refusal. He was also shocked that you defended Konrad like a lion.” 

“I just defended a client, that's all,” Michel shrugged. “I did it for you and Kurt, not for him.” 

“I really don't understand what's going on,” Guntram preferred to ignore his father's words implications. “I wasn't expecting a night of passion because he's sick but this? Never in my life. He kicked me out because of uncle Roger! He wanted to be with me!” Guntram rubbed his eyes strongly.

“Don't give too much thought to it. Speak with di Mattei and see what they think about your firing. Don't keep your own people in the darkness, Guntram. This is a full scale war what Lintorff has started and we must protect ourselves.”

Guntram nodded gloomily as he plunged himself into his own thoughts. He had never felt so insecure in his life.