TS 2 Part VI Chapter 13

Chapter 13

October 22^nd, 2011

Khanty Mansiysk

For two days Constantin didn't let Guntram come near Konrad no matter how many times he pleaded to be allowed to see him. “Earn your privilege to be near him. You don't behave like a sensible person at all. You have everything you could want but yet, you reject it. That's quite a self destructive behaviour in my opinion. Not very sane, right?” Constantin had taunted him and Guntram remained speechless.

“I'll do anything you want. I'll stay here, but let me be with him,” he whispered.

“I'll think about it,” Constantin answered nonchalantly. “I'm also tired of your permanent tantrums and dramas. If you're nervous, take the pills the doctor prescribed you, but don't take it on me.” He left the underground bedroom without casting a glance at Guntram's huddled form.

Time passed slowly as his thoughts assaulted him. The loneliness was not so terrible as the uncertainty. Guntram was well aware that Constantin's patience with him was well over. He had played his last card and he had lost. 'He knows I don't love him, yet he wants me. If he were through with me, he would have killed me without a single second thought. He will not give up or feel any regrets like Konrad would. He has no mercy in his soul and we are only good for him as long as we are useful for him.'

'What does he mean by earn Conor's keep? It can't mean money. He has more than enough.'

'What does he want from me now? Should I completely bend to his will?'

'What if he hurts Klaus and Karl? He's still furious for what I did.'

'I'm a piece of shit as father. Maybe it's for the best that I'm not near Konrad. Constantin always took better care of him than I.'

'Maybe I'm finally losing my sanity.'

He remained in the bed without moving and waiting for any new development, knowing that he couldn't do anything else, knowing that he had been reduced to nothing.

Once more.

* * *

“Child you should eat,” Massaiev scolded him when he entered in the locked bedroom and saw the untouched lunch tray.

“Do you know where are the pills? The ones Dr. Sverdloff used to give me.”

“Why do you want them?”

“Mr. Kuragin is right. I can't take care of Conor as I am. I thought maybe I could take them again...”

“We will have to suppress the painkillers you take for your left arm.”

“I can stand the pain. It's not as much as before. The nerve is healing,” Guntram said with a raspy voice and gulped. “Please, I need them.”

“I'll speak with Mr. Kuragin, child,” Massaiev said. “You must eat, you heard the doctor, you're anaemic.”

“How is Conor?”

Massaiev turned his back to him and left the room.

* * *

October 25^th, 2011

“Massaiev tells me that you're getting a bit more sensible,” Constantin said. “That you want to take the medication.”

“If you don't mind, Alexander,” Guntram whispered. “I'll do whatever you want me to.”

“All right, you can have it, but pills, no matter what my customers used to believe, solve nothing. They only mask the symptoms. Remember that.”

“I will,” Guntram said very feebly.

“The main problem here is that you think I'm not in charge of the situation or that I'm weak and can't fulfil my obligations as father.”

“I never thought you were weak.”

“No? Really? Well, running away in fear because a stupid remark shows that you don't trust my leading abilities. In the old times, men were dying for this, but I admit I have a soft spot for you. Tell me, Fedia, what are you willing to give me to atone for your behaviour?”

“I don't know,” Guntram said at a loss.

“You are a very bad negotiator,” Constantin chortled.

“I have nothing to give you, that's the truth. I could do my best to make you happy and not be a thorn in your side.”

“That's a beginning, but perhaps you should really understand how far I can get to obtain what I want.”

“What do you mean?” Guntram asked in fear.

“You have to earn your son's keep. As you don't want to share him with me any longer, I'm not obliged to the child any more. Simple as that. I will let you have him back, in this room.”

* * *

When Constantin returned some hours later with a smiling and happy child in his arms, Guntram jumped out of the bed and rushed toward him. The man gave him the baby and Guntram clutched him against his chest mumbling thousands of apologies but Konrad only cared to play with his father's hair, grabbing it with his little fist.

Constantin turned around and closed the door, leaving them alone.

'Time he learns a lesson he won't forget any time soon.'

* * *

Guntram noticed how his son was becoming restless and he realised that it was time for his dinner. He picked the baby in his arms and walked toward the door, but it was locked as it had been during the past days. He knocked on it, but no one answered.

'His nanny will pick him up soon. It's about time for his bath,' he thought and sat on the floor to play some more with Conor.

Time passed and Galina didn't come or no one else did. Once more Guntram knocked the door, more urgently this time but no one bothered to answer or show any signs of life.

Unable to wait more for his lunch, Konrad began to cry softly and Guntram put the dummy hanging from his chain in his mouth. “Just a little longer. Galina will be here soon,” he said as he hugged the baby and caressed his head.

'Constantin wouldn't dare,' he thought as the baby fiercely sucked the pacifier with a clear frown marrying his delicate features.

The man's earlier words assaulted him but Guntram dismissed them as he couldn't believe Constantin would knowingly hurt his son. 'He loves Konrad and wants the best for him.'

'Does he love anybody at all? He left his own children behind without thinking it twice,' his inner voice reminded him. 'His own flesh and blood to the trash when they became a nuisance for him. Will it be different for my Konrad? He shares nothing with him. He's only something he created to keep you happy so you would be nice to him.'

Konrad had enough of the dummy and forcefully spat it and yelled for his food.

“We have to wait just a little, Con. Dinner will be here soon,” Guntram said very nervous and couldn't hold his son's blue eyes piercing his. “Alexander will take you upstairs soon.”

“Alexander!” he yelled but the only result he obtained was that his son would shriek stronger than before.

Guntram tried to calm him down by playing with the bunny but Konrad would have none of it, crying desperately for his food and hitting his father when he tried to gather him in his arms.

Guntram watched heartbroken how his son was crying without stop and he hit the door with his fist several times with the same results.

“Alexander, please! Conor has nothing to do with this! Take him away!” He shouted but no one answered his cries.

* * *

Massaiev watched the monitor with a heavy heart. “I think he has understood the point, sir,” he told Constantin.

“No, he has realised the point, but he has still not understood the rules. Let him there for a few hours more,” he answered nonchalantly.

“The child is really crying from hunger, sir,” Massaiev protested.

“So? Children in Somalia don't eat for several days and they live to tell. He's not exactly undernourished.”

“This is not the case...”

“One big crying tonight will save many bitter tears in the future. He can stand perfectly well a night of fasting, Massaiev,” Constantin said very dryly. “Fedia has to learn his place or do you want another stunt like the one he pulled? Do you want to buy two coffins?”

“No, sir.”

“Good. Go to bed. Leave them alone for the night.”

“With all due respect, Mr. Kuragin, Fedia is in no shape to be left alone with a child. What if he loses his mind with the crying? There's no sound more maddening than a baby's wailing.”

“I will monitor him, don't worry. I know exactly what I'm doing.

* * *

The silence and apathy were worst than any yelling. Guntram sat on the bed as he gently shook his child awake but he remained motionless, exhausted after crying without pause for two hours till he had fell asleep in his father's arms.

Konrad had literally collapsed from the effort.

“Con, wake up,” Guntram pleaded softly. “Please baby, wake up.”

Guntram shifted his position on the bed, terrified that his son could have passed away. He touched his face sides but the baby continued to sleep so deeply that he had to carefully watch if his chest was still moving. In his dazed state he missed the slowly rising and falling chest and he touched the small body to check if it was still warm.

Guntram cried like a wounded animal when he felt it cold. He moved away from the bed and his back violently collided against the cream walls. His body slid down and he pulled his knees against his chest, adopting a foetal position. His right hand fisted his hair and slowly descended across his face, the tears brimming in his eyes as he realised that he had failed his son.

Again.

He had ended his life.

Guntram closed his eyes and felt the tears silently rolling down his cheeks. He couldn't identify a determined source for his pain, but sadness felt like a physical shroud wrapped around his body.

He hit his head against the wall softly. Once, but nothing changed although his sorrow and guilt diminished.

Pain was good and it would teach him how to be a good father.

He smashed his head against the wall stronger than before and the pain made him feel in ecstasy. It was an overpowering situation that made him feel once more free.

* * *

“Stop now!” Constantin yelled, trapping Guntram's bloodied head with his hands. “Are you insane?” he shouted again, but the young man didn't hear him, his mind too far away. 'No, tranquillizers will do nothing now, he needs antispychotic drugs if we want to stop this.'

“Guntram!” he shouted and shook him violently. “Guntram! Stop this nonsense now! Your baby is only sleeping!” 'Did he think he was dead? Couldn't he feel his pulse?'

“No! I killed my son! I killed him!” Guntram wailed and Constantin placed his hand between the head and the wall before he could have smashed his skull again.

“Look at me, Guntram,” he said softly but firmly keeping the head in his hold, his fingers stained with the thin line of blood running along it. “I will take you to the child and you will see if he's fine or not.”

“I killed him,” he cried.

“You almost did, but it wasn't this time. He's just sleeping. Come on, stand up and you will give him a bottle.” With great effort, Constantin was able to pull Guntram to his feet and drag him to the bed where Konrad was sleeping soundly.

“See? He's perfectly fine.” Constantin said after he gently shook the baby awake, as his father kept distance from the bed. The baby fixed his dreamy eyes upon him and smiled before he closed them, too tired to care about anything.

“Is he fine?” Guntram whispered in disbelief. “But I saw him...” he started but then felt silent, horrified at the realisation that once more he had fall into one of his hallucinations.

“What did you see?” Constantin pressed him.

“Nothing,” Guntram lied. “He's fine,” he repeated astonished. The words slowly came out of his mouth as he needed to reassure himself that it had been only another of his waking nightmares.

“What was it, angel? It's important that you tell it to me.”

“Some blue shadows in his face, like when you start to decompose,” he admitted and broke into tears.

“No, Guntram. There is nothing like this. He's rosier as ever,” Constantin said very slowly as he hugged the slim form and quickly took a look at the superficial cut in the head, dismissing it as it was not dangerous. “Take him now to bed and we will fix something for him.”

“I did it again, didn't I?” Guntram said between tears and hiccups. Constantin nodded sadly and he closed his eyes as if he would have been stabbed in his heart. “I can't take care of him,” he admitted very slowly. “I really could have killed him back in the forest.”

“Yes, angel. Going out in the snow almost at sunset is suicidal,” Constantin said. “You can't be left alone with him any longer and you have to trust in me again. Without me, you can't have him. In your mental state, the social services wouldn't hesitate to take him away. Who knows how long you have been sick?”

“Perhaps all my life, but I never wanted to admit it.”

“That should be decided by a doctor. Come with me.”

Guntram took his son in his arms and kissed him on the forehead as he caressed him, checking once more that he was in good health. He followed Constantin to the large modern kitchen and the silent house was spooky for him. “Where is everyone?”

“Away for two or three days. I gave them holidays. Only Massaiev and Dima are here. We have much to discuss, Angel.”

Guntram gulped and nodded as he watched how Constantin was opening a small baby milk bottle placed it in the microwave to warm it for Conor. With the warm bottle ready, he approached Guntram, but he didn't acknowledge his presence, too lost he was in his contemplation of the sleeping child.

“Let's go to the bedroom. You will be more comfortable there.”

“I don't know if I can do it.”

“All right, give me Con, and you carry the bottle,” Constantin said evenly.

Once they were in their master bedroom Constantin told Guntram to lay on the bed and he settled the child in the young man's lap ordering him to feed him with the bottle. Still lost in his daze of dark thoughts, Guntram obeyed and placed the bottle's teat in front of the baby's mouth.

Konrad woke up and groggily his chubby hands took the bottle by himself to drink it it in one go, without stopping to breath. As fast as he had taken it, he dropped it on the bed and fell asleep once more.

“The minute he can open the refrigerator by himself, we are out of his life, angel,” Constantin chuckled, amused at child's ability to make the best out of a stressful situation. “Give him to me, he has to be changed into his pyjamas and put to his bed. He can't sleep here.”

“Why not?” Guntram asked desperately.

“Because we could roll over him. We discussed this before, angel.”

“You're right,” Guntram conceded desolated. “I don't trust myself any longer.”

“Guntram, hear me well. Conor is my child too and I will do anything in my power to keep him fine. It's you who cast me out. It's you who don't trust me and don't want to share him with me. You have seen tonight, that you can't take care of him on your own.”

“You're right,” he said with a whisper with his glassy eyes fixed on the small face. “I can't.”

“You could if you would let me help you. You have to earn the right to be with him.”

“How?”

“Trust in me again. Let me be your guide. I don't know what happened to you since Conor's birthday. For some reason you are terrified and fear clouds your mind. You need to see a doctor and take what he gives you.”

“A doctor?”

“Guntram, what you need can only be prescribed by a doctor. Sverdloff will recommend someone who can help you.”

The man took the child from Guntram's arms and left the room followed by the youth, silently watching how he expertly removed his clothes, changed his diaper and dressed him again with his pyjamas to put him in his crib. “Pass me the bunny over the shelf, please,” he asked casually. “The other is in the washing machine.”

The casual tone was too much for Guntram's nerves and he started to sob once more. Constantin simply took the plush animal and placed it next to Konrad before he dragged Guntram out of the room.

Once they were inside the master bedroom, Guntram stood frozen in the middle of it. “Come on, angel. Remove your clothes,” his captor softly ordered. “Show me that you want my help to rise our child.”

Guntram only looked at him with a broken expression dangling from his eyes. “I thought you were helping me because you loved me.”

“I do love you, it's you who don't love or trust in me. First sign of problems and you run back to Lintorff.”

“I wasn't thinking straight. The truth is that I can't remember his face well, even if I try it hard,” Guntram confessed and held Constantin's deep gaze intently fixed in his eyes.

“Really? I don't believe you. I was not lying when I said I was getting tired of you. I love you but you have caused me much more grief and pain than any other person I've ever met. I left everything for you and gave you everything you wanted, yet you care nothing about me. And this makes Conor suffer.”

“It was you who locked us in that room in the basement!” Guntram yelled.

“It was you who almost killed our child in one of your delusions! Now Guntram, think. Do you want to keep him? You can take my hand, but I'm not going to be as lenient as I was before. You have to earn my support and my care for you both. No more games or deceptions. They caused this situation. You're stressed because you don't really trust in me as you should. Only traitors do that.”

“Constantin, I never lied to you. I never said that I loved you. I'm grateful to you because of all the good things you did for me but you know that I could never feel for you what I felt for Konrad.”

“Yet, you tell you don't remember his face. Or is it a another lie?”

“No, it's true. My past is blurred.”

“And your present too, angel. You refuse to look at it. You love our baby but you don't give yourself to him. I truly don't understand you, Guntram. He should come before your own life. He comes before my own life. Do you really think Lintorff will take you back with a child hanging from your arms?”

“He would,” Guntram said very quietly. “Maybe.”

“He had two boys from his own blood. Did he ever even offer you the chance to have yours? Did he ask? And don't tell me you wouldn't have had one because you were sick.”

“Never,” Guntram whispered. “He never mentioned the possibility.”

“Do you see now?”

“I do,” he whispered defeated.

“We have to stop this self destruction spiral you want to fall again. Break your ties with the past and accept your present and future. For Conor, not for you or me,” Constantin said, taking Guntram's head between his hands and slightly pressing it.

“Yes, I should.”

“Be truly faithful to me. With your mind and body. Let me help you to rise him. You know deep in your heart that I love this baby and you want the best for him. Do you think that depriving him of me is for the best? Doesn't he love me too?”

“Yes, he does,” Guntram admitted. “You're better for him than I.” He closed his eyes in pain. “I...”

“Shh,” Constantin silenced him, placing his fingers over his lips. “Together we can find a solution but you must cooperate with me. I'm very tired and disappointed with you. If you want the best care for him, you have to give me the best of you. Is that clear?” he asked with a soft voice at the same time the back of the hand caressed Guntram's face. “I will not settle for less, angel.”

“I swear I will make you happy, Constantin. I mean, Alexander,” Guntram corrected his lapse as fast as he could.

“It's all right. It's only the two of us tonight,” Constantin reassured him. “No more third parties involved, like Lintorff. He has forgotten you, just as you did.”

The intense gaze in Constantin's dark eyes convinced Guntram that he was on the limit of his tolerance. 'One more slip and you're out and perhaps Con, too. I have to satisfy him or my child will pay for my faults, like tonight,' he thought and rose to his tiptoes to kiss Constantin on the lips, getting ready for a very long night together.