TS3 Chapter 22

 Chapter 22

Guntram de Lisle's diary

October 14^th, 2016 

Zurich 

 

Things always get curiouser and curiouser in my life. 

There's no other way to explain it or perhaps I should stop looking for an explanation to everything that happens in my life. As I've seen in the past months, there's nothing rational to it. 

I spend most of my time dodging the balls thrown at me. Months ago I had most chances to be the first one out of this world. I was in a hospital and doctors had given up on me. I needed a transplant and there was no matching donor for me. I had given up. 

But now, Constantin and Altair are dead. Both were fine and now they're gone. I swore to never again talk to Konrad and we are (sort of) living together for the children's sake. 

We are even working together in relative peace and harmony. He respects my ideas and lets me do what I think it's good for the companies. After all, I own half of his assets by marriage. For over three months, I haven't heard a single complaint about my methods or visions and ours has been a fruitful cooperation. After Altair was gone, I lost all interest in the divorce court battle and Konrad was tactful enough as to keep his mouth shut about my relationship with Altair. 

He never said another word after that time when I was forced to come back to Zurich and I didn't say a word about my father because I didn't want to start a war in front of four kids. We just kept things civil and distant while we worked together. 

Two nights ago we had dinner together with the children and managed to send them to bed at ten (which was quite an accomplishment considering it was Friday). Separating them was a good idea. They aren't babies any more (well, Kostya is one but he doesn't agree with our opinion) and Karl and Klaus have different needs than their younger brothers. 

For the first time in a long time, I felt again at home after the boys had the lights out. Maybe it was the tiredness that comes along with negotiating with teens and toddlers about their bedtimes, but I was happy that Konrad had persuaded my own boys to go to bed before their brothers. 

We have many problems between us but I can't deny he has always been good to my children. 

“Another round?” Konrad asked me and I shook my head because I can't drink. “With the preliminary results for this quarter,” he clarified and I nearly sighed in frustration. Working on a Friday night (not that I was going to go to the disco) is a bad idea. 

“Is it really necessary?” I asked as we walked down the stairs. 

“You are the one who suggested those booking changes,” he shrugged and it is certainly true; it was my idea. 

“It's good that we are a private company,” he told me. “Otherwise the stockholders meeting could last a whole term.” 

“First, you approved it and second, it's more honest.” 

“First, I'm getting old, Guntram and second, I'd like that you’d simplify it. I believe that up to the accountants are a bit baffled. And third, your method is more complicated than any future Basel III form.” 

“All right, I admit it. It's a bit more elaborated than the other things around.” 

“It's more like a Basel IV on steroids.” 

“I was only making things clearer, just to know where we're standing. There's nothing wrong with risk weighted assets.” 

“Tell that to the Deutsche Bank people. Let me live in blissful ignorance till January 2018. If it were by your booking ideas, our Tier I would be... I really don't want to know.” 

“Says the one who literally sits on a pile of physical gold and stores grain for the bad times to come.” I rebuked him and look, we were already in the library and he was already on the cognac, drinking. I sat on the couch and loosened my tie. 

“It's in the Bible,” he mumbled and drank his drink. 

“You really don't believe in that. Do you?” 

“Honestly? I hate high frequency trading and all kind of derivatives. Lending money is already too much for my nerves.” 

I laughed. “Now, I'm the speculator.” 

“More like a crazy scalper,” Konrad told me earnestly. 

“I'm just keeping up with the rest of the pack. Call it the call of the wild each time Draghi shows up on TV.” I saw my own laptop “forgotten” over the coffee table (probably brought there by Dieter or somebody else because I was sure I left it at the cottage) and knew he was serious about working late. 

“I'm not in the Deutsche Bank gang,” I replied evenly as I switched the bloody thing on. “We'll take a look together and see what can we do about it.” 

“That would be very nice. Stratford is about to have a nervous breakdown and I don't want to think about how large his bonus will have to be if that happens.” 

“The widow will certainly enjoy it.” I smiled at him and opened the file. 

We worked together up to two in the morning so the new system would be ready to screw up everybody's week on Monday morning. Maybe Konrad was right and it needed to be simplified and there's no need to be so honest with the ECB or the SFBC. 

“I think that pretty much covers it,” I said and I swear I couldn't move my neck so stiff it was. Bloody laptops. “I'll put it in clean tomorrow and pass it around on Monday.” 

“It's already tomorrow,” he said and frowned at his watch. 

“I'll walk home now.” 

“I'll call you a car.” 

“No, some fresh air will do me good. Doctors orders,” I smirked. “It's not that far away. I'd rather walk.”

As usual he decided that he could also use some walking and was out of the door before me. Silently, we began walking down the path in a chilly early autumn night. I think I shivered twice or more times but he didn't pay attention to me. 

When we were crossing the small pond, Konrad stopped and leaned over the wooden rail to watch the dark waters. I mean, he couldn't possibly see anything because the lights were dim. A frog or two croaked and he pointed for me the Victoria regia leaf where they were hiding. 

“You do have a thing for frogs,” I sighed. 

“Those are toads, Guntram. Erdkröte.”

“You even know where they live.” 

“I like them,” he shrugged. “They were good friends when I was a child,” he added. 

I gaped. Konrad von Lintorff playing with frogs-toads? In the mud? I can't imagine him doing that. “Did you play with them?” I asked. 

“Sometimes. It was more talking to them than playing. It started a year or two after my brother passed away.” He told me. “But they don’t answer me.” He added quickly. 

“That's good to hear.” I said. 

“Do you think I'm... out of my mind?” he asked me and I didn't know what to tell him. 

“No, you’re not,” I sighed. “You're a rock of sanity in a sea of shit. You do your best, considering the circumstances. I hold no grudge against you any more.” 

There I said it. Despite all what we've been together and all the grief he had caused me, I don't hate him or want revenge for what he did to my father. First my anger and fury melt into disappointment and sorrow and now, after how supportive he was with me when Altair was murdered, they have melt down too. At this point, maybe I can tell that we are finally friends. Before we only knew each other as lovers and, let's be honest, being somebody's better half puts a lot of pressure on you and he. You idolize your lover and the faults you'd let go to any other person, become insurmountable obstacles. Being just good friends gives perspective to human relationships, like Konrad and Ferdinand; they have argued daily like two old midwives for over forty years and are still best friends. If one night, Konrad was late for dinner, it was World War One for me because I started to imagine thousands of things that could have delayed him, like meeting someone hot at the ECB (yeah, right). Now I laugh about my jealousies and fears because all those times he was in Russia -and I thought he had quite a party going on-  the mere image of he “wooing”  Putin makes me chuckle. 

“Metternich said the same about himself but in a nicer way. Thank you.” Konrad told me with that mix of seriousness and shyness he shows each time someone pays him a compliment. I guess he didn't get many of them when he was a child. 

We were silent for a long time looking at each other, guessing each other's expressions. The animals' croaking was all we could hear and it made me feel dizzy. I needed to get home. 

“Apologizing or asking for your forgiveness wouldn't help much, would it?” Konrad said when I turned my back to him and began to walk home. 

“It would be a good start.” I said quietly and turned around to look at him. “Is it true, that you're sorry for what you did?” 

“I have no regrets because of my actions but because of their impact upon you. I'll always regret the pain I caused you but I had to think on you and the boys before anything else. My family comes first, Guntram.” 

I continued to walk home at a brisk pace and I heard him following me. What could I say to him? Nothing and everything. 

Forgiving him is hard because it's a lot to get over. 

But on the other hand, he has a lot to forgive me too. 

He caught up with me some three hundred meters before the cottage. I slowed down and let him walk along with me. I opened the door and asked him in. “I'll give you a glass of water before you catch your death,” I told him and he grimaced. 

“Tea would be better. It's quite cold and wet out there,” he told me nonchalantly and I bit my lips, truly annoyed because he was already inspecting the place, especially my paintings, like the frustrated Headmaster he is.

I went to the kitchen and made us tea. 

“What are these things?” he asked me as he frowned at the portrait of Bill, the kakapo, surrounded by the forest he loves so much.

  “A local bird from New Zealand.” 

“They're... strange. Unbalanced. Reminds me of someone.” 

“Half of your consultative board at the bank. These birds are over eighty years old, love sex and eat all what they can have.” I said sourly while I set the mug in front of him. 

“Yeah, I know whom you're speaking about.” He took the teacup from my hands (mine) and sat on the sofa and began to sip it. I recovered the “leftover” mug and did the same because once he starts to do something it's useless to try to move him away from his spot. 

Suddenly a thunder broke the silence and a heavy rain began to fall. It was a violent curtain of water, with lightening crossing the sky and all. 

“How are you going to get home?” I asked. 

“May I use your car?” 

“Sure, you can walk back to the castle and take it from the garage.” 

He looked annoyed and took his mobile phone out. “Time to wake up the serfs.” 

“At three a.m? You don't know what you're doing, Konrad.” I smirked. 

“If Beyonce can do it, I can do it too.” 

“Beyonce has a thousand times more charm than you.” I smiled at him. “You can stay here until it stops or the Serbian Army pounds the door down thinking that I killed you.” 

“Are you not tired?” 

“I'm dead and going to bed.” I replied. 

“I'll stay in the sofa.” Honestly, he can put on a martyr face very well. “With my back.” 

I sighed. Loudly but he didn't seem to get the clue. “All right, you can lay on the bed with me before you sue me because your slipped disc is finally out. On top of the covers.” 

“Thank you.” 

I went to the bathroom and changed myself into my pyjamas, brushed my teeth and realized that I felt like a beaten dog. I washed my face with cold water but it didn't make me feel better. 

Back in the living room, Konrad was still wearing tie, jacket shoes and all. 

“We were together for over fifteen years. It's not time to be shy, Konrad. I won't tell the divorce judge we were in bed together.” I stifled a yawn and opened the bed on my side and slid under the covers. “You can't be comfortable with all those clothes on and no shoes in my bed.” 

Konrad removed the jacket, tie and shoes and laid on top of the bed, next to me, without touching me. 

I closed my eyes and when I was almost asleep I heard him saying. “I don't want to divorce you.” 

I turned around to face him in the darkness. “Why not? You'd get rid of me and everything would be yours again. No more of my needless meddling in your affairs. I'm asking nothing else from you.” 

“I don't want to divorce you. I'll fight you in courts if you try it.” 

“Are you not tired of me?” I asked. “We are nothing more than forced business partners nowadays and this partnership is leading us nowhere.”

“I disagree.” 

Konrad can be stubborn to an out of scale degree. “You should also want the divorce,” I spat the words. “I was with Altair and Constantin almost at the same time. I would be with him if that miserable of Dima Klatschko wouldn't have got in the middle. Don't you have any self-respect?” 

“Do you still love this man?” he asked me calmly. 

“Yes! I do.” 

“I can't tell you what to think.” 

“We get the divorce. I move to my father's house in Zurich and you can visit my sons as much as you want.” I said in a rapt of anger because he was driving me nuts. “I won't oppose to it. Just sign the papers.” 

“Splitting our boys? No, I don't think so.” He shook his head and puckered his chin -I don't know how that's even possible- like he always does when he's set on something. “I'm not jealous of dead people, Guntram. It's pointless. For me, that business is over but breaking the bond among the brothers is something I won't accept. Before you come up with the idea that you have the boys on working days and I on weekends, I say no to it.” 

I was shocked at his words. Altair is dead and he doesn't care any longer about him? Mr. Jealousy? He was jealous of my pug, Mopsi because I let her sleep on the couch with me when he wasn't around. 

“I don't believe you.” I said flatly. 

“What? That I'm not jealous or that this is a closed business for me?” 

“Both things. I know you better.” 

“I won't spend my energy in something I can't change. I still don't understand how Repin agreed to have this man around, but both of them are gone now, and there's nothing you can do to change it.” 

“I couldn't even say goodbye to him,” I said and I felt a knot in my throat. “Altair never deserved such an end. He..,” my voice broke down.  

Konrad was silent. 

“You must have felt relieved that he was killed.” I pressed him. 

“Perhaps you don't believe me but I'm not happy for his death. He genuinely cared about you and did his best to save your life. We were enemies, of course, but noblesse oblige.” 

“I do believe you,” I agreed with a heavy heart. “It's typical of you. You respect and even admire your enemies.” 

“Not all of them. The sheik was more of an adversary than an enemy and he played fair, which is something rare in this world.”   

“You hate me for this, don't you?” 

“No, I don't. I'm not even upset. You ended our relationship and it happened. You didn't cheat on me when we were together. In a way, I can understand that you needed a shoulder to cry.” 

I was skeptical, considering I know how he plays. He? Forgiving it all just for the sake of love? Yeah, right. Pigs can fly. 

“You are not upset? Really?” I snorted. Yes, that wasn't nice. “I miss him everyday. The idea of never seeing him again is slowly killing me.” 

I never expected that he would put his arms around me and hug me as if I were one of our kids. He hugged me as if I were a baby and instead of pushing him away I held him too. I buried my face in his chest and began to sob and then cry all the tears I didn't shed when Altair died. I guess I will never stop. 

Konrad said nothing and only held me against his chest, crushing me against it and his warmth comforted me. I don't know for how long I stayed there and it made me remember the old times, when we where together for everything; when I would be terrified of something and he would hold me without saying a word or when he was so beaten up that he didn't have the strength to ask for a hug and I gave him one. 

Heck, he didn't need to ask me because I would know it with a single look. We were so close once. 

I snuggled against his body and there was almost no space between us. I could feel his warmth breath against my forehead and his hands on my back, soothing me. I put my arms around his waist and held him too. 

I don't know for how long we were like that but it was quite a while. I stopped crying but he didn't let me go and I didn't want to go away either. My breathing calmed down and I finally released him. 

“Why do you still like me? Why after Altair and Constantin?” 

“Because you were there for me when I needed you the most. You never betrayed me or turned your back on me.” Konrad said earnestly. “I can't forget that. I was furious with you but I couldn't hate you, though I did try. ”  

“Do you still love me, after Constantin and Altair?” 

“I do. More than my own children.” Konrad told me sadly. “I love you since the first time I saw you. Nothing but your betrayal could change that.” 

“I never betrayed you.” Lord, I was mentally beaten beyond tiredness and sadness. “We just went from bad to worse. I fell over heels for Altair like a teenager. I don't know what went through my head when I knew the truth about my father's death. Nothing was “normal” at that time.” 

“His... demise was never my intention but there were many things at stake at that point. I'm not proud of what I was forced to do but I take full responsibility for it and I'll take my punishment.” 

“Punishment? Will that solve anything?” I asked him. Ruining his life along with my boys' won't bring my father back. 

“Only if you think so. You have been in my place and know first hand how hard is to deal with all this. There were many things on the balance when I had to make my decision. I set my priorities.” 

“The literal sea of shit around us. We're drowning in it.” I told him and I don't know why, my body sought the comfort of his arms. 

“The storm has begun to rage and dark times will come. We will be forced to make hard decisions. I don't want to lose you now.”

I took a deep breath in. Maybe it was time to tell him everything. So I did. 

“I should hate you for what happened to my father but I can't truly blame it all on you.” I heard his gasp and I put my hand on his lips. “I'm more afraid that you hate me for the things I did after he passed away.” 

“Never.” 

“Not now, but in a few months or years, you'll start thinking about Altair and Constantin and will hate me with all your soul.” 

“Will you hate me for your father's fate?” 

“No. I don't think it was your fault entirely. He tricked me too despite you gave him a second chance. You really did.” 

That's the truth. Lord knows how hard it was to get Enrico and the others back into the Order. It was Michel's doing that they rose against Konrad. Otherwise, they would have stayed put. From the moment my father spoke about that damn chalice, everything spiraled downwards. I should have seen it coming but I didn't, enraptured by my mad desire to have my true family back. It's my fault too. Konrad and I screwed it up. It's hard to admit it but denying the truth won't help us at all. 

“You really don't hate me for that?” Konrad asked me again. 

“I was furious because you lied to me for all those months. If you would have spoken the truth, I would have been enraged and probably moved away from the house, but I would have never gone to such an extent like what I did. How can I feel safe or my children be safe if my own friends kill my father?”

“Guntram, we never wanted to do it but we were forced to act before our allies would have acted upon you and our children. They thought everything was your doing. We know that you were on our side all the time. We knew who was the traitor all the time.” 

“My father had nothing to do with the Americans' shit.” 

“I know that but he used it against us. He used you!” 

“I bloody know that already!” I yelled him. I needed to take several breaths in to calm myself down. “He gambled with my life and Kurt's too.” I said in a softer voice. 

Konrad had the finesse of keeping his mouth shut. I didn't need him to say “Itoldyouso” right at that point. 

“I would have never done that to any of my boys. Lord, what kind of man did sire me?”

“You're a good person but don't judge him so harshly. He was differently brought up than you. I had the same kind of education and you've seen all what it can do to... us. I was trained to think first on my bloodline and in the Order before anything else. We both are part of a world long gone.” 

“I don't think so,” I said and caressed his cheek because it truly pains me whenever he speaks about his childhood. It must have been hell. “I also put my boys before anything else.”

“Your boys, not the Marignac house.” He told me and that's true. “Perhaps one day you will forgive me.” 

“I have forgiven you since I returned to Zurich. Though I was furious with you for taking my children from New Zealand, I see now that it was not safe for them to be in Abu Dhabi.” I admitted. If I would have died, who would have taken care of them? I'm sure the authorities would have never given them to Konrad. I'm sure Altair would have protected them but he was murdered. 

“Thank you,”  he told me softly and all my walls crumbled down. 

“The point is,” I ventured, “can we be together again?” 

“There's nothing I want more in this life than that.”

That sentence lifted a huge weight from my shoulders and I kissed him without thinking it twice. 

I know it's irrational and crazy to do that but I needed to do it. 

He kissed me back and we began to kiss each other with so much fire that we would have started to humping on each other had Konrad not pushed me away in the middle of the best part, just when I was unbuttoning his shirt. 

“Wait. This can't be.” 

“What?” 

“No. You forgive me, you come back to me and two years later, I'm tossed to the street again,” he told me seriously and I gaped. 

“I just forgave you and you did the same and we were about to... you know and you come up with this now? Right now?” I blurted out.  Unbelievable. 

“It's always the same dance for us. I screw it up, then you screw it up. We fight, we forgive each other and then we start again the same circle.” 

“Like the rest of mankind and all the couples in the world.” I buffed. Seriously? 

“No, other couples don't go to such extents like we do. In our case... it's maddening. We don't know when to stop.” 

Excuse me? Mr. kicks out Stefania out of the house because she's not “up to the circumstances”? 

“We rely on the fact that the other will eventually forgive our misconducts.” 

“That's called love.” I seethed. Konrad was walking on very thin ice and he should know it. 

“Love is what prevents people from harming each other, something that rarely happens between us. You respond my misdeeds with full artillery. I love you with all my soul and I long to spend the rest of my life with you but I fear your reactions and how you toy with my feelings. That was the first thing I told you when we met yet you still do it and I don't know how to stop it.” 

“Maybe I wouldn't be such a pain in the ass if you were a little less of a controlling freak or a psycho.” I growled very upset because, as usual for him I'm the monster and he's a poor wilted flower. 

“I wouldn't be one if you would just stop behaving like the Easter Bunny and then crying because people want to get your chocolate eggs. One day we live “la vie en rose” and on the next it's Verdun.” 

That was the strangest simile I've ever heard. I gaped. What else? 

But it didn't give him poise. “Stop being the bloody altar choir boy and face what you are and what you do,” he had the nerve to tell me. 

“I know very well who I am. It's your constant lying what kills us. You must have exhausted your book of lies by now.” I fired back.  

“If I keep some facts to myself, it’s to avoid our relationship from being poisoned by your needless self-righteousness. Wonderful, now you're giving me the look.” 

“The look?” I asked in shock. 

“Yes, the look of being a smug, self-entitled goody-goody.” 

I was shocked because Konrad had never spoken to me like that or used that tone. We had shouted with each other but he had never insulted me. 

“Well, at least you didn't call me drama-queen, like Constantin did.” I seethed. 

“The drama is the direct result of my previous words.” 

“Obviously, you know how to fix my goody-goody tendencies so we live happily ever after.” I was slightly upset with his tone but it a way, he was right. He lies because I want him to be Mother Theresa when I'm perfectly aware of what he does and how he is. 

To be honest, I never accepted him for what he was. I always wanted to change him or shape the world to be what I dreamed of it. That's a fantasy and it's time to let it go. I'm quite old to still believe in fairy tales. 

Konrad watched me for a long time and I guess he knew that somehow the tide had changed when he spoke again to me, with that voice that made my spine tremble. 

“This is our last chance. No more second chances. Maybe this time we will take care of what we have. If one of us screws it up, we split. Forever.” 

“Forever?” That was ridiculous. Nobody does things like that. 

“Forever,” Konrad asserted and I knew he had set his mind upon it. “We rely on each other's ability to forgive everything and we tread on our love. Our love is something precious and rare but we both treat it as a rag. We take it for granted when we should be building and nurturing it.” 

I was shocked but that had been the nicest thing he has ever said to me. 

“Not a second chance ever again? Not even if I leave my pencils on the bed?” 

“Remember to put them away because you're out of the bedroom if I find one on my side of the bed.” 

“I'll throw your shoes to the trash if I trample on them ever again.” 

“Deal.” Konrad told me. “I won't keep information to myself any more.” 

“I won't steal your job.” I cracked a nervous smile. “I'll kill you if you ever look at another man or woman.” 

“Likewise,” he also smiled at me. 

“Maybe it's not so crazy what you're saying. We ruin things all the time.” 

“We have to be more miser with love. Stop wearing it out like there's no tomorrow.” 

My smile broadened and I couldn't help to say: “You're a banker, you must know something about accumulating.” 

“I know all that there's to know about amassing. One precious moment after another.” He kissed me so tenderly on the forehead that I my heart melted down and the little remaining bitterness vanished. 

“With any luck we will become love-hoarders.” I kissed him on the lips and felt his breath inside my mouth, making me faint with happiness. 

“That would make me the happiest man alive.”

Finis

July 2016