TS3 Chapter 13

Guntram de Lisle's diary

May 23^rd, 2014

After such a wonderful dream, I was in a mood. Therefore, I went to work in my atelier, hoping that painting would exorcise the Russian demon. Fefo was there but he was clever enough as to leave me alone “to brood as usual”. 

I worked the whole morning on Gulya's portrait and the thing finally began to take shape. I was happy with the results for once. Julius left me alone too. He has developed the annoying habit of dropping by (with a bottle) and sitting in my living-room when things become too heated at his own school. He gets a hiding place and I a model for free if I ever need one. At least, he's an intelligent person and lets me work in peace when he's around. I guess he truly knows what a creative environment is unlikely my little, noisy Fefo. 

As I was telling, I was working hard, doing my best to get certain Russian out of my mind and then, my father landed in my flat. 

“The cup is still in one piece,” I growled the moment I saw him standing there, at the door, dark suit and all. Doesn't he have a courtroom to visit or something else to do? 

“I imagine so,” he told me casually. “Otherwise, you'd have called me.” 

Some days, I think my father wants to make me pay for my wedding by forcing me to go through a late adolescence phase. There's no other explanation for that ever-knowing, patronizing tone I get every time we are together.

“It's well preserved and stored in a good place,” I answered. 

“I assume so,” he shrugged as he entered in my studio and began one of his inspections of my works. I swear he's a hundred times worse than Ostermann. “I came to see if Lintorff has calmed down.” 

“No need for the divorce lawyer father,” I answered sharply but he didn't pay me any attention at all. 

Some days I think that living as an orphan didn't suck as much as I used to think. He was only looking at my things -and moving everything around, something I hate with passion-. I went back to my work and left him alone. I can also play the sourly teenager. 

“Well, you're back in shape it seems,” he said and I nearly jumped to the roof. You lived with an artist before, didn't you know that you're not to supposed to creep on them? I began to clean the stain on Merlin's wing.  

“You're really jittery this morning, Guntram. I mean, for someone who allegedly has no problems at home.”

“We are not in the courtroom, Michel.” 

“If we were, you'd already be begging for leniency. The tension in the air is quite noticeable.”

“I didn't sleep well.” I growled. Half-truths used to work well with Luciano and I was getting away with almost everything. The bad part was that I never committed any big crimes. I was a total dork. 

“Why?” 

“Because so,” I answered and began to fix what he had ruined with his questioning. Not a big loss for the Art world but it irked me nevertheless. 

“Guntram, if you don't trust me, then who are you going to trust?” he told me. “If you have some kind of trouble with Lintorff, I'm afraid there's no one else but me to discuss it. You have already experienced it.” 

“If you need to know,” I replied heatedly. “It has nothing to do with Konrad. In fact, we are better than ever so hold your lawyer hounds, father. It's related to the other person whom you called to fix my problems with Konrad.” 

He only blinked. Twice. “Will I need a tea, a coffee or a whiskey to hear it?” 

“Tea or coffee will be enough,” I replied and he got a tea -in the living-room, because asking him to sit in the kitchen is too bohème for a former May 68 child. 

We sipped tea for some time before he gently reminded me, “Guntram, if my clients want to have tea with me, it could turn out to be more costly than a shopping spread in London.” 

“Admitting lunacy isn't something you do in a second,” I growled. 

“I thought that was well established the day you happily married Lintorff.” 

“You said you let it go, Michel.” 

“I did. It's just a reminder.” 

It's impossible with him. My mother was a saint or deaf half of the time. “I've been dreaming about Constantin,” I blurted out and finished my hot tea in one gulp. 

“I assume it wasn't a nightmare,” he replied and I wished to have the bloody shrink back. That man doesn't jump to conclusions, he forces you to do it and then you pay him to make you feel like shit. With Michel is more or less the same but for free. My guilty face told him everything he needed to know. “Save me the details,” he added. 

“I might be... still or maybe not, in love with him.” I confessed utterly embarrassed. 

“I never had any doubts about it.” My father answered and I gaped at him. 

“No, no, no. We were good friends before all this.” 

“Your letters didn't leave me with that impression.” 

“Did you read my letters to Constantin?” This is disgusting! Your parents reading your private things!

“He showed them to me,” Michel shrugged. “Do you have some cookies?” 

I went for them because I needed some time to vent my righteous indignation with both of them for sharing what they weren't supposed to. From Constantin, I can imagine it, but my father, as lawyer, should be aware that there's something called disclosure of secrets or something like that. Michel got Kurt's baby cookies; serves him well. 

“Before you start a really unnecessary tirade about your never-ending love to Lintorff, let me tell you my impressions.” 

“I would love to know how a well-respected tax-lawyer ended teaming up with the head of the Russian Mafia.”  

“Contrary to all of your beliefs, Repin's money was a hundred percent legal and his companies were in better shape regarding working laws than most of Russia's oligarchs' dens,” my father told me. “That stupid tax-evasion trap Lintorff created wouldn't hold for more than two days and even a law student could have got him out of jail in no time.” 

“Maybe but Constantin had political problems at the time. Maybe he forgot to pay Uncle Vladimir or Uncle Dimitri.” I replied but he didn't pay attention to me. 

“Though it still escapes my intelligence why you chose to remain with Lintorff when he treated you worse than a dog.” 

“And vice versa, Michel. We both harmed to each other as much as we could.” 

“Your letters showed me how much you cared for this man,” my still deaf father continued to speak, “There was a tone of deep camaraderie and understanding between you two. He had an optimistic outlook on life and especially on your abilities that Lintorff lacked. He supported and challenged you at the same time. With him, you would have grown much more than with Lintorff who treated you like a... porcelain doll.” 

“That's not true! Konrad was quite demanding and worse than a father regarding my studies!” 

“When were you out on your own? When did you do what you wanted all by yourself? Did he ever give you the chance to make your own mistakes?” 

“I was sick!” 

“Repin had the courage to do what should have been done. He asked my permission for your surgery and I gave it. Lintorff told me in my face he would have never done it. He preferred to wait until the moment when there would be no options left.”

“Wonderful, the man who killed nine people just to kidnap me is a better man than my husband.” 

“No, I'm not saying that. He was more or less the same as Lintorff but you showed a lot of... attraction for him. In your replies, you showed that you cared very much for his opinions, Guntram. I could see that you were very happy to get his answers and grateful that he took the time to meditate all of his answers. I'm convinced that he was deeply honorable to you.” 

“Kidnapping and killing isn't honorable, Michel.” 

“Did he ever lie to you? Didn't he offer his help even knowing it would unleash a war?” 

“The devil's advocate,” I mumbled and he munched another cookie and I'm sure he heard me well. 

“It doesn't make it less true.” 

“The problem is that I might have feelings for a mass murderer.” 

“Your second one.” 

“Do you hear yourself?” I seethed and he asked me where I was buying the bloody cookies. “In the baby aisle!” I shouted back. 

“Who gave you Kurt? Let's be honest, Guntram because if it were because of you, I would die without grandchildren.” 

“I was sick! Are we going to argue over that now?” 

“No, not necessarily.” 

“I won't be in love with Constantin! It's some kind of sick fantasy! I'm married to Konrad.” 

“Interesting choice of words, Guntram. You associate the word love with Repin and duty with Lintorff.” 

“It's a way of speaking.” I replied upset. “It isn't relevant.”

“What is exactly your problem? Did you tell it to Lintorff?” 

“No, never!” 

“So? Have you acted upon those feelings in the past year?”

“Of course not!” 

“Then you're behaving like the kind of client I hate the most; they plan to evade all what they can but lack the courage to face the consequences if they're caught and drive me mad to find for a way to do it with zero risk.” 

“It's the fact that I'm going insane. Love isn't that!”

“Love is what it is, Guntram. What Cécile and I had can't be compared to what you have with that man or with Repin or what my parents had. You couldn't have found a stricter man than my father, yet my mother couldn't remember to tell the cook to do her job or if we had guests that night. My father was a man who was born with a chronometer instead of a heart and hated any kind of delay or disorder. Mama was losing all her things all over the house and couldn't keep track of her three children. Were they insane because they loved each other? No, they weren't.” 

“Yes, but they were two good people. They didn't want to hurt each other.” 

“Did Repin ever want to hurt you?” 

I was shocked by his question. Of course, Constantin was as crazy as a rabid mamba, killing everyone who was in his way, but my kidnapping could had been a thousand times worse than what it was. Somehow, he was always refraining himself when he was with me. Even Konrad didn't fear he'd harm me knowingly. He hit me when I took Kurt out in the snow, but I'd done the same if he'd done something like this. In the end, I'm sure he knew what I was doing “at his back” but he never attacked me for that. 

He never raped me; he coerced me and threatened me, making my life hell, but he stopped when I asked him to, unlike Konrad. He even told me: “go away, but the baby stays with me. He's my child too.”. I stayed because I didn't want to lose Kurt. Hell, in the end, he'd have paid my airline ticket back to Switzerland just to get rid of me if only Kurt remained with him. 

“Only mentally,” I answered. 

“And you?” I looked at my father puzzled. “Did you hurt him?” 

“I defended myself.” 

“But you did. That man was crazily in love with you and you gave him hope with your letters and actions, making clear -even I believed it- that you wanted to be with him but Lintorff's children's presence prevented it.” 

“Perhaps,” I agreed miserably. “Anyway, he didn't have the right to do all what he did.” 

“No, he didn't but I'm glad you're honest with yourself.” 

“I'm afraid I can't live or create without having him around.” 

“You must find a way to do it. You can't have the best of both worlds and you know it.” 

“I do.” 

“Some souls' paths are intertwined for many lives and need to learn from each other. Only when they learn to let themselves go, they achieve freedom and conquer happiness. Maybe these two persons are the lesson you must learn in this life.” 

“Konrad changed a lot over the years,” I said. “He's not the man I knew.” 

“That's true,” Michel agreed and I looked at him puzzled. “The man who was looking for you under every stone wasn't the man who... let's leave it at that. He's a better person than he was twenty years ago. Maybe your presence in his life filled a void or gave him a purpose.” 

“Konrad changed for good, but I don't think it was the same for me. I'm not the person I used to be and I'm getting crankier and crankier. I’m more disappointed with mankind with each passing day.”

“You're getting older, that's all. And then, at my age, you won't care much about anything.”  

“What should I do?” 

“Nothing. There's nothing to do but to understand and accept it. Or do you want to go back to Repin?” 

“No! I fear the day he comes back.” 

“Then you will start to forget him once you admit it to yourself. It's a grief process what you're going through. You're letting yourself go of Repin because after all, he was your second best and sometimes he took the first place. Am I right?” 

“Yes, you are.” I felt like shit. I toyed them both, just like Konrad said I would. 

“You should never tell this to Lintorff. You'd only hurt him. He has the emotionality of a five-year old.” 

“I know,” I sighed. 

“All what you create comes from within you. Repin might have helped you to get it out but the source is inside you and you shouldn't be so afraid to let it flow.” 

“Sometimes I want to kill you and then you tell me these things and I'm glad to have you back in my life.” 

“That's quite normal. When you reach my age, you'll be sorry you didn't listen long enough to your father.” 

Talking to Michel was good. Not being judged was good. Letting the demons out was good too. Some days I find myself thinking on Massaiev's death and I feel guilty because he was trying to protect us. I know it's rubbish because he was my jailer but over the years, he became some kind of support figure for me. It's called Stockholm Syndrome but I'm sure he was truly worried about me and Kurt when those guys showed up. 

I spent the rest of the day working nonstop and I felt a clarity of mind that I hadn't felt in a long time. Maybe the dream helped me to exorcise my fears. 

Once Konrad said something like “give a 44 to Antonov and thirty minutes alone with Repin in a room and you'll see what happens.” I'm sure Alexei would kill him without any kind of hesitations. If the same were to happen to me, maybe I wouldn't pull the trigger. 

No, I wouldn't pull the trigger unless Constantin would threaten my babies again. 

That's a scary thought but it's the truth.