TLO Chapter 21

Chapter 21

We met by chance. I left the Brontosaur’s magnificent office and bumped into a good suit (it’s hard to see anything if you’re carrying five legal digests the size of a phone book)

“Hey! How are you?” The dark tanned man greeted me. Though the suit was a bit on the bling-bling side of tailoring for me, it was well cut and of good quality. 

I gaped at him because familiarity doesn’t abound in this firm. I didn’t have a clue of who he was but the junior lawyer standing two steps behind him was certainly courteous towards him (bordering on unctuous).

“Can’t believe you forgot me after all what we went through.” The man said falsely aggravated. 

I had no idea to whom that golden Rolex belonged to. 

“Two rucola specials, no cheese?” He smiled broadly. 

“Abdullah!” I finally recognised him and that was a shock. He was so changed… He looked like a well off businessman. That watch wasn’t fake and he was standing in one of Spain’s more expensive law firms. Obviously he wasn’t using anymore the services of some court appointed lawyer. 

“Still carrying books?” Abdullah joked after he crushed me (and books) in a bear hug. The lawyer was looking at me aghast. Grandees of Spain don’t hug… whatever Abdullah was doing nowadays. 

“My fate, it seems,” I smiled at him. I was glad that he was doing good though I really didn’t want to know about his line of business. 

“We have to get a drink sometime,” Abdullah said. “When do you finish?” 

That was unexpected. We hadn’t spoken for four or five years. What could we possibly say to each other? My life wasn’t exactly the stuff of legends. My resumé; Two self published books; fucked with a billionaire; travelled extensively. High school education. Spanish, English and French spoken. Ninth Duke of Rioduero, thanks to the aforementioned billionaire’s money. 

“Do you still live in the old house?” Abdullah asked. “I can pick you up later.” 

 “Yes,” I replied. “But you must be busy.” The lawyer was looking at me like a “go back to work” bulldog. Clerks don’t socialise with clients.

“Not really, some old stuff that came up but he can fix it,” Abdullah shrugged at the prick of the Junior Partner. He had just bought his doctor’s degree at a private university and I was supposed to address him as “Doctor” all the time. 

“Well, maybe we can meet one if these days.” That was vague enough to send Abdullah back in the right track.  

“Mr. El Amrani still has some pending business, Eric,” Piss off in an elegant way. 

“Nah!” I think nobody ever heard that sound inside these noble walls. “Eric is an old pal of mine. We were in the same business.” 

The lawyer paled and I quickly explained about the pizza thing. He looked even sicker than before. The Duke of Rioduero and son of the Marquis of Peñaseca, used to deliver pizza for the minimum wage? Gracious Lord. 

“That was the start of something big,” Abdullah added to my explanation.

I excused myself but Abdullah followed me and took one of the visit cards on my desk and smirked. “I have your phone now. Are you still dating that asshole?” 

I managed to crack a smile. I shook my head. 

“Great! We’ll go out tonight.” He went to fetch the lawyer and stepped inside one of the VIP meeting rooms. 

I sat and minded my own business, doing my best to re-type all the corrections the Brontosaur had made to a document; he didn’t believe in computers and wanted everything printed so he could change everything and I could type it all over again. Many girls lost their sanity with that endless parade of write-type-change-type-write Möbius strip. 

The brontosaur’s tantrums were piece of cake compared to a normal day with Lars. 

Nine months was enough time to make a baby but was it long enough for me to go out having coffee with someone Lars hated with every fibre in his being? He had never answered my letter and screwed my family many times over. I could consider myself officially “divorced”, right? 

I had said “good-bye” but he never replied. His exact words were: “don’t talk to me”. 

Any normal person would say: “kid, get over; it’s well over”: 

Lars is far from normal. 

He hasn’t spoken to me in nine months or so. 

I have the right to go for a coffee with an old pal. 

I do absolutely nothing wrong. I come to work and then go to the University and back home. I don’t even speak to the other students more than necessary. I haven’t learned their names yet. 

This can’t be healthy. 

 * * * 

We didn’t go to Paco’s bar. Abdullah was way out of that league now. He wouldn’t stand again the friendly pushes and practical jokes, like mixing “cortezas” (pork rinds) with chips. I was the first person to explain him that those curly chips were quite haram.  

No, it was that new and super elegant restaurant in front of St. Michael’s Church some five hundred meters from my own house. Despite his lack of a reservation, he got a table very quickly. 

“So tell me how’s everything.” He asked and I preferred to speak about my books, my job and starting university. He let me continue because he didn’t want to explain much about his own ventures too. 

“I never understood why you went away with the guy who fired us all,” he interrupted me by the shore of deserts just when we had sailed the sea of dinning with friendly strangers. I was so proud to have successfully sailed for so long that I was rendered mute. 

“He’s an asshole, that’s for sure. I’ve cleaned a little on my way to the top, but that guy makes me feel better about myself. I‘ve never beaten any of my boyfriends or girlfriends or screw their families.” 

Did he say “boyfriends”? Why this restaurant’s lights are so dim? My brain’s gears kicked in and I gulped. 

“It’s complicated.” 

“But you finally left him.” 

“He’s gone since almost a year. I screwed it up.” 

“If I were you, I’d have fucked everybody around right in his face. What was his fucking problem with me? Do you know he told the police I was behind a shooting against him? I was honestly working in Cádiz when that happened.” 

“I’m sorry for the trouble. I don’t even know what happened. I just got shot and it was a downwards spiral since that moment,” I sighed. “I guess he was jealous of you. Crazy, uh?”

“Maybe not. I always liked you and maybe if you’d have waited for me to finish my job that night, things would have been different today. You see I can rise all over that shit we lived through.” 

I almost spat the coffee at his face. 

“You always liked girls. You were always pinching Alia’s bottom.” 

“I liked you. Why do you think I was coming so often to the store? Or changed shifts to be next to you?”

“We never had that kind of vibe.” Yes, that’s right; Lars had been “fuckable” material since day one; Abdullah? He was like a brother to me! 

“You didn’t know it yet and I couldn’t offer you anything like now. We can’t be so open as you were with that piece of shit, but we could be intimate friends and see each other a couple of times per week. We both are single.” 

So the fucker was right all the time but I wasn’t going to inform him anytime soon. 

“It just would feel weird, Abdullah. I’m not in the mood to start any kind of relationship with anyone right now.” A gentle and firm push never hurt anybody. 

“I don’t get what you saw in that animal.” 

Neither do I. 

“Not everything was bad.” Like sex for example, his library, his conversation and intelligence (when he wasn’t psyching out), the way he was pulling the covers around me… 

“The only reason to stand a guy like him is money and you don’t care about that.” Abdullah was crudely straightforward. 

“In his case, up to the real professionals looked for newer enterprises after one date with him. Don’t ask for reasons in a field where there are none.” That sounded very much like Góngora´s and I should stop reading him. 

I think Abdullah was still discerning subject from predicate when I added the customary: “It wouldn’t work between us. I’m not attracted to you in that sense. You’re a great guy but not my type.” 

Brutal and honest. He got the “hint” unlike Lars. Maybe Góngora’s style would have worked better with the stout Swede if he loved so much Cervantes. 

“Pity. It was worth trying it.” 

We paid and he offered to walk me home. It was an awkward moment for me because there was nothing else I could tell him and he seemed to have a lot to tell still. I was never so glad like at that moment to see my old Castilian entrance door, but the lock decided to be difficult (like it had been since the XVIII century) and I there I was fruitlessly pushing against something designed to keep invaders away. 

“Let me,” Abdullah said and he pushed and pulled the jambs up at the same time and it opened. 

I started to say goodbye when he pushed me inside the lobby and began to kiss me in the mouth. I was so shocked that I let him do it  (when I should have punched him in the face) and he took it as permission. 

My back collided against the wooden console built in the XIX century and the two lamps trembled but I cold catch one with one hand. Abdullah was so busy kissing me that he never realised he had nearly murdered two Swedish designer babies. I only put my hand over his chest to lightly push him away. I could feel his manhood very close to me and it was certainly excited to be there. 

He looked disappointed that I had pushed him away. His hand reached for the front of my trousers and touched me where friends/pals don’t touch each other (well, not in my book. I don’t know about other people). 

“You feel nothing?”

I shook my head. “Sorry, it’s too soon and we’re friends.” 

“It’s been months!” He shouted me. 

I didn’t ask for it! Next time, you move in with Lars and see how long it takes you to recover from his love. I started to make some excuses while I walked towards the door and held it wide open for him. 

“I worked my ass to get to where I am now! I could give you all what that fucker gave you. Just come with me.” 

“It’s nothing personal. We just don’t click together.” That should be obvious if you don’t get another male to get an erection after kissing and massaging him like that. It works for some people, for some others not. Chemistry. 

“You’re crazy,” Abdullah told me earnestly and he was right. 

“I know,” I sighed. 

“You wanna go back to that asshole?” He blurted incredulously. 

“No, it’s over.” Sadly. 

“Look, I’m free. We should give it a try later.” 

Yeah, maybe after I overdose on Viagra. It’s not getting up unlike yours and… Sorry for your disappointment. Chemistry, remember? 

“Good night, Abdullah.” 

“Call me. I’ll always be there for you,” he insisted once more before I shut the door on his face. 

I was glad it was Friday so I could sleep longer the next day. My last thought before I fell asleep was about all my pending chapters for Constitutional Law. 

• *  * 

Someone’s arms,  turning me around in my bed woke me up in the middle of the night. After an uneventful Saturday, mostly spent doing laundry, shopping groceries and reading and reading for the upcoming Constitutional Law test, I went to bed really early. 

Alone. All Alone. 

So jumping and shrieking like a piglet was fully justified. 

“Careful, runt. You might get a heart attack.” A hand switched on the bedside lamp with ease. 

Lars and smirk were standing next to my bed. 

Who else? 

I don’t remember if I stuttered the “de rigouer” “what are you doing here?” or if I just gaped at him while my heart did its best to slow down. One always half-expects the good burglar but never your former lover/boyfriend with psychotic tendencies. 

And he’s wearing his pyjamas, pyjamas he didn’t remove from the house and I didn’t pack and send back to London. Everything in the main bedroom was still as he left it. 

“Move, runt. I’m tired,” he just lifted the covers and I moved aside to avoid being crushed by him. 

It seemed he planned to sleep here and set camp too. I was still in shock that I didn’t know if I wanted to shout, hit him with something or jump to his arms because he was back. 

“Good to find you alone in here. If not, we would have had a lot of trouble.” 

“You ended it. Us.” 

“Apology accepted, Eric.” 

Now? Now? I humiliated myself three or four months ago.  He sends my brother to prison, ruins his family, never says a word to me and plans to sleep here? My head was in turmoil and wanted to push him out of my bed but he put his arms around me and pulled me close against his chest and petted my head. 

Everything I had thought over the past nine months crumbled down. To feel his warmth against me or smell him was all I wanted and I had no idea how much I had missed him all the time. 

His kiss on my forehead felt blissful. I closed my eyes contended and he kissed my lips. “I missed you so much, Eric,” he whispered in my ear. 

“Did you?” 

“Always my love. We’ll talk tomorrow.” 

Lars turned me around and spooned against my back, just like we used to do always. I had thousands of questions but they were dissolving themselves into my content of having him back. I closed my eyes and went back to sleep. 

The next morning he was gone. 

I thought that all had been a dream but his jacket hanging from one of the chairs in my room told me I was still on this side of normalcy. I got up and dressed, ready to explore my own house. The same that once more had morphed into the wilderness. 

The empty corridors made me shudder and the smell of fresh coffee coming from below didn’t give me any comfort. I didn’t know what to do. A part of me yearned for my former routine while another loved my newly found freedom. 

Would Lars compromise? After all he had returned here, not me. I didn’t run after him. He did. 

As if such a small detail would mean a thing in his mind! 

Lars was informally dressed making some scrambled eggs for both of us. He faced cooking as if it were another lab practice. Everything was measured in advance and yes, he even had a recipe for scrambled eggs, fresh coffee or how much spring onions he would add. I guess he even counted the number of champignons sautéd in butter. He had learned to cook when he went to the university and couldn’t stand the canteen for longer than a month. Then, he had an exchange of opinions with his roommates regarding the kitchen area neatness (he was 13 at the time but very tall) and the students preferred to ask for a room transfer. As a result, nobody ever again wanted to share rooms, rent, bus, table, lab, etc., with him anymore (not that he minded it). His grandfather paid for a full flat for him and left him alone as long as he studied. Ideal situation for Lars. He remembers those years as a very happy time. 

I sat at the table and waited for him to finish. Lars served the eggs and we even had that lingonberry jam and croissants I liked so much. It was about 11 a.m. so in Lars’ view, this was brunch and one could stuff himself as a pig because there would be nothing more till tea time. 

We said nothing as we ate. His mind was somewhere else as he mechanically munched the food. Mine was here but too terrified to ask the questions dancing around me. 

“Why?” I finally dared to say. 

“Adding a subject, a verb and a predicate would make your question more understandable, Eric,” he replied. 

“Why are you here?” That’s grammatically understandable. 

“Because your holidays are over and my business with the company are finished. We can carry on from where we left it. I trust your “me-time” was profitable for you. You were quite unstable last December.” 

“Do you want that we get back together? You kicked me out and slammed the door!” I yelled. 

Lars only sighed. “From yesterday’s reaction, one could imply that you were less temperamental, but no. Still throwing a tantrum over the slightest thing,” he chided me. 

“Slightest thing? I apologised to you but you never cared. You ruined my brother! You made me quarrel with my entire family! You kicked me out!”

“Yet you behaved very well these months. I’m impressed and maybe I was wrong about you. No Tindering or whoring around, with only one exception but it didn’t go too far… or high.”

“You’re beyond nuts if you think I’m going to be your puppy again. I have a job, a university to attend and…” 

“Do you really want to become a lawyer?” He smirked. 

“I have to if I want to survive. It’s not that bad.” 

“That’s many solicitors’ motto,” he mocked me. “I can understand that you’re a bit sore because I left you unattended but I needed to have a clear mind while I made some decisions. I put my affairs in order and more or less everybody is happy.” 

“Sure, my brother loves you.” 

“Unavoidable if I wanted to sell the company which made the loans to him at a good price. Nobody buys mattresses with bugs.” 

“Did you ruin him because you wanted to get a better price?” I asked aghast but then, no. It was to be expected from Lars. 

“That company was well dead before I sued them and it has nothing to do with the delayed payments. Why didn’t they go to a bank and came to me? Because no bank in their right mind would lend them a dime due to their previous debts. They were well stocked in the “piggie-box” but their books looked horrible. I wouldn’t have lent them a dime if we wouldn’t have been subjected to Shariah courts. Look all the trouble I had to go through to get my money back. In the Western world, I’d have never seen a penny back.” 

“That’s not what I heard.” I protested feebly but knowing the Sun God and Alvarito everything is possible. One is a crook, the other a brat. 

“There’s always one side of truth, isn’t it?” 

“Even if they never meant to pay you back…” 

“Of course they had no intention to pay me back. I should be glad that you were handed to me. They thought I’d be quiet in order to keep the peace with you. That’s a level of sneakiness and dirt I wasn’t familiar with,” he smirked. “They made me feel almost at home,” he snarled and I kept very quiet. “Finish your eggs. They’re getting cold.” 

I obeyed because that was a wonderful excuse to keep my eyes down. He was glaring at me and I was getting more and more afraid of his reaction. We were leaving the “civilised realm” at a very fast pace if Alvarito had been such a cretin and I such an idiot. 

“You offered the house, didn’t you?” 

I nodded because the eggs were now a lump in my throat. 

“You’d have lost up to your shirt thanks to your relatives and for what? So they can still go holidays to the Caribbean? You were warned against it and I can be glad that the old lawyer shouted you loud enough.” 

“You knew?” I asked dismayed. 

“Who do you think got you that position? They’re happy with your performance and you’ll be missed once we return to London or Uppsala.” 

“You got me a job?” Speak about feeling like trash. 

“In exchange for managing my assets in Spain. A fair trade, don’t you think?” 

That’s a good explanation as to why the brontosaur has coped with me for so long… and his pay-check is quite similar to what Lars considered as “enough” cash for me. In my defence I can tell that we got along just fine and he was pleased with my performance. 

“Don’t look so gloomy. I got good reports about you.” Lars said. “You’re a responsible and serious worker according to Don Francisco. I’m glad that my name was well represented.” 

If else, a thunderstorm of doom would have befallen upon my head. 

“Why do you think I wasn’t fooling around in Tinder?” 

Lars snarled and that was quite unbecoming for a man of his education. All right, maybe the craziest thing I did was calling Domino’s Pizza and ordering a large veggie pizza (a real one, not of the other kind) but it doesn’t give him the right to assume that I’m a total bore. Ever heard about revenge sex?

“Do you think I would leave you unsupervised? Your reports were all right, though I never pegged you for a hermit who only watches Netflix on occasions and gobbles up four-euro pizzas.” 

Oh, the lords of espionage screwed it up; Mercadona’s frozen pizzas sell for 2.99. 

“With the only exception of last night’s fruitless escapade, we can say you did well over these months.” 

How does he know? Are there cameras here? Of course there are! He set up the security system and I never had a say in the whole matter. 

I’m the worst kind of idiot because I believed he was leaving the ground all to myself! With me as general, my family would have been expelled from Peru in a year instead of the five it took. 

“Did you spy on me?” 

“I kept -well, my staff did- a close eye on you. You’re a vulnerable target, Eric.” 

“Maybe it is time you pack your things for real.” I told him because at that point my boiling blood was doing all the talking. “I’m not coming back to you.” 

“That’s not open for negotiation, runt. Admit that you were happy to see me last night. You didn’t forbid me to be in your bed.” 

“I was in shock.” 

“Pondering over an idea for a whole night is more than what’s acceptable for slow people.” 

“I have a life of my own. Get lost, Lars.”

“That’s a rude thing to say to your lover but I understand that now we’re full into the negotiation phase. Think well on what you’re going to ask because it’ll be only one thing. My generosity decreased when that man set a foot in here. Be glad you were unable to perform or this would have been a quite different talk.” 

How did he know? Did Abdullah post it on Facebook? I nearly panicked but I stomped on my own foot to keep my breathing rate calm. 

“So you have it in video,” I snarled. “Can replay it all what you want.” 

“Don’t worry. It happens to everybody but you should get better in a few weeks, once the effects wear down.”

“What?” 

“Chemical castration. To love is to trust but a little help never hurt anyone.” 

“You drugged me?” I roared and he wasn’t impressed at all. We can rule out depression as the cause of my problem. 

“After the fourth month, when you started to go to school. Before there was no need to do it. It’s temporary.” 

“How?” 

“Your pills. You don’t really check what you take.”

“How could you do this to me? You’re a real piece of shit, lover.” 

He ignored my words. “What’s going to be? Your brother’s release? Financial security? Better living terms, if that could be possible? A real writing career? The push you need to be famous? It’s all down to buying the right kind of publicity.” 

The list of possibilities numbed my head. I couldn’t keep track of them so shocked I was. He had almost poisoned me and for him it was inconsequential. 

“I want you to leave my house.” I took a deep breath in. “You have ten minutes or I’ll call the police, Lars. You won’t drug, threaten or bully me into being your slave again. I’d rather starve than spend one single night more with you.” 

“Is that what you really want, Eric?” 

“Yes. I don’t know how I could ever liked you.” 

He smirked at me. “Is it not a grandiose plan to go back to that man? He’s got some money now. Not nearly as me but enough for your meagre needs.” 

“I’m glad you’re finally admitting that you were paying me all these years.” I let my venom flow and it was an empowering sensation. 

“Much less than what you are worth, runt. More than what he could afford to. Your father is going to be so proud of you when he hears the happy news.” 

I froze on my spot, like the good hamster I am. 

My father would kill me if he knew I speak with non-Christians. Being gay with an atheist like Lars is less of an offence than being it with Abdullah. If he loathes me now, then he’d drown me in the house’s well once he finds it out. 

“Boyfriend to a Muslim dealer. You’re certainly coming up, Eric.”

“It’d be a hundred times better than with you,” I protested feebly.  

“It all depends on my return scenario, don’t you think? That favour that I mentioned earlier? Be a hero for your sisters? Return their lost honour after their brother was in prison?” 

He had a point, though I was furious with him. I was his toy and the naughty puppy deserved a slap for ruining the carpet. 

“Think about it, Eric. I’ll be back at eight to hear your answer.  Use your time to meditate on your true options.” 

He stood up slowly, his breakfast half finished and instead of letting him go, I grabbed his arm and pleaded the fatal “please, stay”. 

I needed him. Simple as that. Drugs or not, my brother still was under his boot and Lars wouldn’t mind to release the world from one cockroach of many. A loose Lars was a million times worse than keeping him more or less happy and peaceful. 

“Try to understand me,” I said after he circled the table and sat next to me. “It’s not that I don’t like you, but I can’t live like you want me to live. I want to have something of my own. My career, a job, anything. You want to turn my life upside down again and I can’t let you do it. You left me, remember?” I did stress the last sentence, hoping he would finally understand the message. 

“You ask for the only thing I’m not willing to give up, Eric. Everything I’ve done, is for you, Eric, so we can be together. I’ve given up most of my companies, associates, employees and future profits. I’m only keeping Mendel Solutions and I need to stay in Uppsala or London for most of the time. I can’t wait for you to finish your law studies here. I can support you in your effort to become a writer and that’s all.” 

“Lars, I want to have a life of my own.” I took his hands between mine but he quickly put them away. His anger was very clear to me. “Please, understand me.” 

“There’s nothing to understand. You’re sabotaging yourself, as usual.” 

“I’m not!” I tried to stand up and leave but this time his hand caught me by the arm and with a strong jerk, he pulled me down. 

I almost landed on his lap. His arm around my torso had to steady me before I would fall on the floor and that wouldn’t had been nice to see. 

“Eric, you let me into your bed. You slept with me last night. You welcomed me even.” 

I’m not so sure about the last one. I was in shock after you nearly gave me a heart attack. Almost ten months ago you shut the door behind you… and I forgot to change the lock or buy a dog.

“Lars, some things just can’t be.” I said partly half-broken because I like having him around when he’s not a full-time psycho. If he would agree to a plan like one week together, one month holidays, that’d be fantastic! 

Did Lars understand the problem? No, not at all. 

He grabbed my chin and kissed me on the lips, with the fire I’ve longed for so many months.  

So many stories end with a kiss and eternal bliss for their characters that one is stupidly, stubbornly convinced that the same conditions would apply to you. 

But it ain’t so. 

Snow White and Aurora got their kisses and a life of changing diapers and coping with a royal rotten brat more interested in hunting than in taking care of the children. Cinderella was not better off but at least she got a new pair of shoes. 

Did I know better? Of course not! 

Not only I kissed him back hungrily but I laced my hands over his neck and deepened the kiss. There was something about him that just drove me mad with desire. His hands repositioned me better over his manhood and he was more than ready to act. 

Whereas I had the same problem as the previous day. It’s not that my heart wasn’t into it because after a nine months drought, I was more than willing. 

But unable… and becoming utterly embarrassed with myself and utterly frustrated as Lars’ kisses were more and more demanding. An irrational fear travelled all my body as he undressed me and I returned his kisses and fumbled with his clothes the best I could because I couldn’t stand the idea of revealing my failure to act. Maybe he’d be distracted if I kept him happy and satisfied and wouldn’t notice it. 

My naked back collided against the cold tiles and I did my best to hide the pain in my left shoulder. Lars was all over me and his hands fought against the pyjama trousers.

“If you’re not up to it, just say it,” he growled in my ear when he noticed that the only rigid thing about me was my back. “I thought you wanted it.” 

“It’s not that,” I mumbled and pushed him away gently. “I’m not OK, that’s all.” 

He looked at me puzzled for a second and realisation flashed through his eyes. 

That was more than embarrassing. No matter how many nice words your partner tells you, failure in that moment is just unforgivable. It’s a disaster you’ll remember for a long time. You want, but you can’t. 

“Let me make it good for you at least,” I added mortified and he grabbed me by the elbows when I tried to go down on my knees. 

“No, don’t do that. Let’s try something different.” He put his arms around me and pressed me against his chest. 

“Let’s forget about this,” I tried to reject him. 

“Don’t you want me?” He asked me and I shook my head. 

“It isn’t that,” I mumbled. “This isn’t working. You won’t get any pleasure now.” 

 Lars kissed me on the lips and the combination of his hot breath inside my mouth was enough to drive me crazy with desire and let my body dissolve in the warmth of his embrace. 

“We can always get pleasure if you want it,” he whispered in my ear. “This is nothing. Just let me do it.”

I nodded and closed my eyes to hide my shame when he carefully slid down my trousers. I just couldn’t look at him in the eye because I could feel his body was wonderfully working unlike mine. 

The scent of olive oil reached my nostrils and I almost panicked when I felt the liquid falling down my thighs. 

“Eric, we won’t do anything we haven’t done before,” he reassured me. “I won’t start with something we never did before. I really don’t want to hurt you.” 

“Maybe we should,” I said and to this day I don’t know why. The words just flew out of my mouth. 

“It could be bad for… you,” he spoke so softly. Lars doubting? That was a first and it puzzled me. 

I just pulled his body against my chest and hugged him. I knew he hated anal sex; in the many years we were together he never tried it once with me. Many other kinds of things, yes, sometimes but the big thing was a big “no-no”. Perhaps my mind envisioned the fleeting idea that if I forced him to do it, it would make him recoil in horror and go away. I don’t know but at that moment, for some reason, I wanted it and I wanted it with him and no one else. 

I kissed his face and licked his lips softly, encouragingly and he responded with a fiery hug, pushing me against the kitchen table. The dishes clattered against the floor but we didn’t care. Lars was like an animal and couldn’t stop touching me everywhere. 

Perhaps I had a romantic idea of it or maybe that sex talk we got back in school about “alternative lifestyles” the word “foreplay” was quite stressed before getting into matters, that I cried out when he penetrated me after one or two kisses. 

He stopped and looked at me alarmed but I nodded despite the whole experience was very painful, uncomfortable and let’s say it, shameful for me. All the jokes you hear about it came down on my mind like an avalanche and I clutched my arms around his neck to keep him near me, like a shield against my whole life. 

His thrusts against me picked up speed and I felt light headed. It wasn’t as painful as before and somehow the feeling wasn’t as horrible as it had been. Truth is that I wasn’t enjoying it but it wasn’t because of him but because of the horrible dizziness that had taken me over. He finished inside me and I almost fainted right there. 

The next I remember is that he had put me back in the bed and was hugging and petting my hair so tenderly that I smiled at him before I fell again into a heavy slumber. 

I dreamed-or maybe not- and I only remember patches of that dream; more like images in movement that didn’t make any sense once you put them all together but were perfectly logical standing alone. 

In one, I was an invisible figure in Lars’ office back at St. Paul’s. People were coming in and out, speaking to him but he didn’t care at all about them. He was not even answering them if they spoke; he’d just write something in a pad or send a message through the computer. I noticed the screen monitors were big and sturdy like those in the nineties and suddenly I saw him sitting at a table still in his office facing a grilled cod fillet and salad dish… and the plate multiplied itself till it formed an infinite line that got lost in the sky. Thousands of copies of the same thing. 

Somehow I found myself in a schoolyard and there were plenty of children yelling and laughing at one boy who only glared at them. I knew he was Lars and my heart began to pump crazily. All those merry go rounds always ended up badly for the one in the centre. One of the boys punched Lars on the shoulder but the next second he was lying on the floor, eerily still, one thin line of blood running through his temple. 

Lars lied in a coffin and I woke up shrieking. 

“Are you all right?” He asked me concerned. 

I checked his features but the body had been a younger version of him. The small wrinkles around his eyes calmed me down. What I’ve seen wasn’t true nor the future; Just a silly dream. 

“Bad dream,” I mumbled and put my head over his shoulder. 

“What did you dream?” 

“Nothing. Stuff. It makes no sense.” 

“Dreams rarely make sense. Tell me.” 

“Nothing erotic,” I smirked and he glared at me. “You won’t like it,” I mumbled but his eyes pressed me to speak up. “If you want to know, I saw you dead but in a younger version.” 

He was silent and his gaze focused on the covers. 

“See? You didn’t like it,” I sighed. “It means nothing. I’m not going to poison you and inherit all your millions.” 

“You couldn’t do it even if you wanted to,” he answered gloomily. “Are you sure you’re fine? No headaches, no pain, no… nothing? I was concerned when you fainted.” 

“I’m just tired.” I yawned and it certainly felt as if my pink elephant had decided to take a nap sitting on top of me. “Maybe I’m not so fit as before.” 

“What else did you dream?” 

“No, I didn’t see how you ended up in a coffin,” I sighed a bit fed up with him and his insistence. “You were a real weirdo not talking to people and only writing things to them. And you’re a fan of fish too; only eating that and salad. Eww.” 

Instead of laughing me off, Lars’ face became more sombre and lost. 

“There was a time when I only ate that,” he confessed after a long time. “I… didn’t like new things around me and not to worry about the food being served to me helped me stay focused on my work.” 

“You? The gourmet? There’s always something different at your table.” I  laughed. 

“It was a long way to get there.” He said. “It took me a lot of self-training. I force myself to eat all what it’s served but it isn’t easy sometimes.” 

“I don’t believe you. You ate that seafood thing in Japan and I couldn’t stand its smell.”

“I’ve changed over the years,” Lars told me softly. “I only harbour good intentions towards you. You’re very important to me.” 

“We fight all the time.” I was strangely moved by his words. 

“That’s what you say. You cry murder in one direction but hide the eggs in the opposite one,” he added tenderly. 

“And the good biologist knows where to find them,” I mocked him. “Just goes the other way.” 

“Yes, like we always do.” 

I snuggled under the covers and was happy to have him  next to me and embrace me. In those intimate moments, I could feel we would be all right forever and wanted to believe in that dream. I loved him when we were alone and he let his barriers down. I would also drop all my walls down and let my insecurities flow away. 

Those were the perfect moments when we truly loved each other. If we just could make them last longer.